Listen to the Language of the heart
“The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished,” George Bernard Shaw.
‘Ineffective communication’ is the most common coaching issues that I deal with in my interaction with executives. During the course of coaching a group of senior executives, the biggest gap that I observed was the “lack of open communication”. The CEO expected his team to be aligned with the strategy and reasons thereof. The team thought they had understood it right and saw no reason to seek clarifications. Sadly, neither took the initiative to “ask”. What held them back were not their intentions because obviously each one wanted to perform and succeed but “assumptions”.
Communication is not just the ability to speak in a dialect or language. It involves the flow of information, ideas, concepts, thoughts from one person to another. However simple it may seem, yet sometimes one lifetime is not enough to master this skill. All relationships hinge on our ability to say the right words at the right time.
“Wisdom is not in words; Wisdom is meaning within words”, said Khalil Gibran.
Our language alters as and when we feel sad or happy. Our tone is loud and words harsh when we are angry or frustrated, our tone is weak and words unclear when we are scared or under confident. Hence, it is our thoughts that dominate our words and expressions. To understand the true meaning of what is being said, it is essential to focus on the underlying emotions rather than just the words.
We all have an in-built system or antenna to perceive and interpret information, commonly known as the mind. This perception mechanism or filter is further influenced by factors such as environment, country, culture, family background, schooling, etc. A combination of the perception mechanism and external influences contribute to shaping the personality of an individual.
Our thoughts arise from our ‘perception filter’ and hence any communication sent or received, is colored by this filter. For instance, a senior executive who had progressed over the years with technical expertise was not always clear with instructions or deadlines for the work to be done by his subordinates. Consequently, there was often a scramble at the last minute and the executive had to dive in to manage the quality. Once the executive became aware about this omission, there was significant change in style of delegation and time management making it easier for the team as a whole.
I have also observed that in some traditional Indian business families, the entrepreneur who has established the business may have a need to be in control and have a sense of superiority. The need to be right, be “ME” and in control – in short, here the ego, controls or blocks communication. Consequently, people with an abundance of experience and knowledge have a tendency to download information and present possible solutions. How can the next level develop freely and present new ideas unless they are given an opportunity to explore freely?
At the managerial level, most often it is taken for granted that senior executives should naturally know all about communicating with their teams. Communication skills are rarely one of the key competencies that is taught or measured by organizations. In the course of our regular lives, a lot of time and energy is consumed on either explaining, justifying, clarifying, repeating or cleaning up the words uttered.
What is it that repeatedly causes this mess in our life? Are our intentions misplaced, or are we simply careless and ignorant? Awareness of behavior is critical to open new pathways for effective communication. Every person is desirous of getting ahead in life and above all wants to be understood. Some just don’t know the “how”.
Did you know that we speak 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but can listen intelligently nearly 600 to 800 WPM. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone. Whilst listening, we pre-judge and conclude the meaning of the words spoken or we interrupt before a person completes his sentence or our prejudices about a person or situation, our fears about the others and self interferes and the verdict is announced.
The emotional need for ‘preserving’ our image in the world creates the barrier in our communication – the need to feel important, to prove ourselves, to be right, to be acknowledged, to tell, to share or unload our worries, to feel powerful and in control. These needs dominate the communication and we are unable to “Just Be” with another person or ‘enter the other person’s world’.
What we truly require is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc. It requires that a person attentively listens to the words as well as the feelings of the other to gain an understanding. The listener needs to keep his ego, fears, biases aside and just listen. It is no doubt difficult since our mind is always so cluttered but through effort and discipline one can make an effort to be quiet while listening and speak only if necessary. Strangely, people often speak as if there is a compulsive need to respond. Many a times another person is simply desirous of sharing and is not looking for advice, opinions or solutions. After all, God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. When we go against nature’s principle, we suffer.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Abundance in life
Abundance
Couple years ago, I was flying over the grasslands of Africa and I observed vast spaces of grasslands, open and unoccupied. There were animals grazing around and there was no sign of people. What a contrast to where I live – Mumbai. In Mumbai city, there is never a time of the day or night, when you can feel lonely. It was at that moment I felt that actually there is an abundance of resources in the world; it’s just that either we don’t see it or experience it or maybe, we chose to ignore the same because of our basic instinct to “possess”.
Every continent has a variety of natural resources that are meant to be shared and enjoyed. However, through the passage of time, man has divided the earth into various continents, countries, cities, and so on. The desire to conquer and possess goes back in time and continues to play a significant role even today.
Just like the building blocks of Lego, where each block has a different colour, shape and size, yet they occupy a unique place when making a structure, human beings are born with unique skills. Although we may be born in different countries, religions and with different attributes, we need each other for our day to day life.
There is an abundance of money, food, shelter, clothing, natural resources, if only we were prepared to share rather than possess disproportionately. I was reading the story of a man who was driving past the streets of Mumbai and at a traffic signal, as is commonly witnessed, he saw a young child begging and standing without much clothing or a home. He drove past with a melancholic feeling, asking God, why did you not give her food? The answer that came back to him was – I made you to take care of that!
How many of us live with that spirit. We spend our day worrying about trivial issues like career progression, social approval, etc. In the midst of all these worries, we overlook the abundance of love in our life. We all look for happiness and actually, we are the happiest when we “share”. You could share anything that you believe you have in abundance – money, time, food, clothing, shelter or love.
Couple years ago, I was flying over the grasslands of Africa and I observed vast spaces of grasslands, open and unoccupied. There were animals grazing around and there was no sign of people. What a contrast to where I live – Mumbai. In Mumbai city, there is never a time of the day or night, when you can feel lonely. It was at that moment I felt that actually there is an abundance of resources in the world; it’s just that either we don’t see it or experience it or maybe, we chose to ignore the same because of our basic instinct to “possess”.
Every continent has a variety of natural resources that are meant to be shared and enjoyed. However, through the passage of time, man has divided the earth into various continents, countries, cities, and so on. The desire to conquer and possess goes back in time and continues to play a significant role even today.
Just like the building blocks of Lego, where each block has a different colour, shape and size, yet they occupy a unique place when making a structure, human beings are born with unique skills. Although we may be born in different countries, religions and with different attributes, we need each other for our day to day life.
There is an abundance of money, food, shelter, clothing, natural resources, if only we were prepared to share rather than possess disproportionately. I was reading the story of a man who was driving past the streets of Mumbai and at a traffic signal, as is commonly witnessed, he saw a young child begging and standing without much clothing or a home. He drove past with a melancholic feeling, asking God, why did you not give her food? The answer that came back to him was – I made you to take care of that!
How many of us live with that spirit. We spend our day worrying about trivial issues like career progression, social approval, etc. In the midst of all these worries, we overlook the abundance of love in our life. We all look for happiness and actually, we are the happiest when we “share”. You could share anything that you believe you have in abundance – money, time, food, clothing, shelter or love.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Is there really success and failure or it just learning
Success and Failure?
The world revolves around two major concepts – Success and Failure. There is constant talk about these outcomes -- whether it is in the form of grades of a student, box office performance of a movie or progression in business or career. The emphasis on the performance index is very high and sometimes skewed to the point of being singular.
Can success or failure be only measured in terms of numbers – money, test marks, profits, bonus and other “bottom lines”. Sadly, most of us get swayed by the report card of our child to the extent that we fail to look at the overall development such as the social skills, attitude of responsibility and respect, extra-curricular and above all, self confidence.
An entrepreneur is also constantly stressed with the changing bottom line. Any decline in profits and often the first point of attack comes on the costs. I understand that in trying times, there is a significant need to review expenses. On the other hand, is there adequate focus on increasing employee motivation, efficiency or creativity?
Parents tend to get paralyzed when they see “red”. How many actually go deep into the causes and confront those rather than just the symptoms. A child gets poor marks and parents’ immediately assume that the child didn’t study enough and either needs tuitions or grounding.
Failure and success are self defined concepts. When the outcome, reaction or consequence of an event is different than "perceived expectations", we term it as a success or failure. If the consequence is higher or positive than perceived expectations, we call it a "Success". On the other hand, if the outcome is lower than "perceived expectations", we term it as a "Failure". Essentially, there is simply a gap between the action due to either not knowing how to do the action or what the expectations at the other end are. Therefore, what is required is an understanding of the "Gap" and to use that as a tool/strategy towards consistent reaction.
Any action appears as a mistake only in hindsight once the outcome is known. In the present moment when the person is taking action, the intentions are "best". Fundamentally everyone always takes actions with the best intention of survival. You will never know whether an action will turn out to be a success or failure unless you make an attempt in the first place. Allow yourself the freedom and space to take "action". Your worries of the unknown restrict and limit you from taking an action in the first place and all "noble" intentions of actions get clouded.
I attended a program, Neuro Linguistic Programming (“NLP”), a concept researched and defined by Dr Richard Bandler. Dr Bandler studied if there was a pattern to the language of the brain. NLP is a model that suggests a co-relation between successful patterns of behavior and the subjective experiences (esp. patterns of thought) underlying them thereby influencing interpersonal communication. He realized that extraordinary performers had a better understanding of their “Gap” and effectively used their internal strengths i.e. “Resources”.
As evidenced in the story of Helen Keller, the brain is not born with a language of expression. All children have to be taught words, signs, symbols to enable them to connect with the world. Human beings interpret the information we receive through our senses like -- hear, touch, see, feel and taste. We use our senses in different proportions and develop our own techniques to perceive the world. If we are able to understand this “pattern”, we can then develop our personal “strategy” to design our life. For instance, organizations like McKinsey study various organizations to understand what makes some successful as compared to others. We can use a similar concept to understand what works for us and what does not i.e. understand our personal strategy and then gradually adapt ourselves accordingly. This enables us to live a life by design rather than accident.
President Barack Obama has very appropriately remarked, “Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.”
The key word that keeps repeating itself in different formats is “Learn”. If you are willing to learn and adapt, you move ahead in life. If you see similar incidents appearing in your life time and again (either positively or negatively) and make no effort to understand or learn, you get stuck or start looking at life as “chance” rather than “design”.
Life is dynamic and there is a constant need to adapt. Interestingly, behaviors that worked for us in a particular phase of life, become barriers or redundant in another phase of life. For instance, India adopted a policy of self reliance post-independence since there was a serious need to develop and give fillip to domestic industry. Concessions, subsidies and policies were designed to protect the economy. Gradually, as India moved from an agrarian economy to an industrial economy, a need to compete and modernize arose. This required a shift in policies and such.
Similarly, as we grow from childhood to adulthood, from being single to having a family, we need to adapt to the demands of our role. A child has the freedom to behave with utmost freedom since the impact of actions is limited. However, as one increases the circle of influence, the need to review the impact of one’s actions comes into play.
What is right action? The way I understand right action, is when we do “our best in relation to others”. For example, a thief does his best to cleverly plan and steal valuables and does his best by at not getting caught. Although the thief does his best, he does not do his best in relation to others.
In a family it is the responsibility of the elders to take everyone’s interest into account while taking any decision that may impact the family as a whole. The same rule applies to the leader of an organization. The organizational interest is the guiding factor in the decision making process of a leader. Along with the authority to take decisions, there is a tremendous responsibility that rests with the leader or elder of the family.
A classic scenario exists in many organizations - A person works hard gradually moving up the career ladder accomplishing small goals little by little and carries people along with him. As he progresses, he starts observing that many of his decisions have held him in good stead. This boosts his level of confidence to take larger and more significant risks and decisions. A sentiment of “I am right” becomes his strategy of life.
This feeling of being right fuels an innate ability to take on assignments where there is scope to prove oneself over and over. It becomes a vicious circle of being proven right and success. It’s a heady cocktail and it goes straight to the head, at times. Gradually, it creates barriers such as not listening to others ideas, suggestions or even feedback. A wall of righteousness gets erected subconsciously. This is when the clarity in the decision making process blurs due to a shift in motivation from seeking growth and knowledge to seeking power and recognition.
Slowly but surely, the team starts getting frustrated because their involvement reduces and impacts their creativity and motivation. The popular boss suddenly becomes the not so wanted boss. People start feeling stifled or scared. You don’t even realize when you may have missed some opportunities or ideas or signals because you stopped listening or watching. I am not saying that you are no longer right and all suggestions need to be implemented. What needs to be inquired is the current effectiveness of the strategy of “I am right” and the need to introduce a new strategy such as “Others are right as well”.
Professor Thomas Szasz of Psychiatry at the State University of New York aptly said, “Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily.”
The world revolves around two major concepts – Success and Failure. There is constant talk about these outcomes -- whether it is in the form of grades of a student, box office performance of a movie or progression in business or career. The emphasis on the performance index is very high and sometimes skewed to the point of being singular.
Can success or failure be only measured in terms of numbers – money, test marks, profits, bonus and other “bottom lines”. Sadly, most of us get swayed by the report card of our child to the extent that we fail to look at the overall development such as the social skills, attitude of responsibility and respect, extra-curricular and above all, self confidence.
An entrepreneur is also constantly stressed with the changing bottom line. Any decline in profits and often the first point of attack comes on the costs. I understand that in trying times, there is a significant need to review expenses. On the other hand, is there adequate focus on increasing employee motivation, efficiency or creativity?
Parents tend to get paralyzed when they see “red”. How many actually go deep into the causes and confront those rather than just the symptoms. A child gets poor marks and parents’ immediately assume that the child didn’t study enough and either needs tuitions or grounding.
Failure and success are self defined concepts. When the outcome, reaction or consequence of an event is different than "perceived expectations", we term it as a success or failure. If the consequence is higher or positive than perceived expectations, we call it a "Success". On the other hand, if the outcome is lower than "perceived expectations", we term it as a "Failure". Essentially, there is simply a gap between the action due to either not knowing how to do the action or what the expectations at the other end are. Therefore, what is required is an understanding of the "Gap" and to use that as a tool/strategy towards consistent reaction.
Any action appears as a mistake only in hindsight once the outcome is known. In the present moment when the person is taking action, the intentions are "best". Fundamentally everyone always takes actions with the best intention of survival. You will never know whether an action will turn out to be a success or failure unless you make an attempt in the first place. Allow yourself the freedom and space to take "action". Your worries of the unknown restrict and limit you from taking an action in the first place and all "noble" intentions of actions get clouded.
I attended a program, Neuro Linguistic Programming (“NLP”), a concept researched and defined by Dr Richard Bandler. Dr Bandler studied if there was a pattern to the language of the brain. NLP is a model that suggests a co-relation between successful patterns of behavior and the subjective experiences (esp. patterns of thought) underlying them thereby influencing interpersonal communication. He realized that extraordinary performers had a better understanding of their “Gap” and effectively used their internal strengths i.e. “Resources”.
As evidenced in the story of Helen Keller, the brain is not born with a language of expression. All children have to be taught words, signs, symbols to enable them to connect with the world. Human beings interpret the information we receive through our senses like -- hear, touch, see, feel and taste. We use our senses in different proportions and develop our own techniques to perceive the world. If we are able to understand this “pattern”, we can then develop our personal “strategy” to design our life. For instance, organizations like McKinsey study various organizations to understand what makes some successful as compared to others. We can use a similar concept to understand what works for us and what does not i.e. understand our personal strategy and then gradually adapt ourselves accordingly. This enables us to live a life by design rather than accident.
President Barack Obama has very appropriately remarked, “Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.”
The key word that keeps repeating itself in different formats is “Learn”. If you are willing to learn and adapt, you move ahead in life. If you see similar incidents appearing in your life time and again (either positively or negatively) and make no effort to understand or learn, you get stuck or start looking at life as “chance” rather than “design”.
Life is dynamic and there is a constant need to adapt. Interestingly, behaviors that worked for us in a particular phase of life, become barriers or redundant in another phase of life. For instance, India adopted a policy of self reliance post-independence since there was a serious need to develop and give fillip to domestic industry. Concessions, subsidies and policies were designed to protect the economy. Gradually, as India moved from an agrarian economy to an industrial economy, a need to compete and modernize arose. This required a shift in policies and such.
Similarly, as we grow from childhood to adulthood, from being single to having a family, we need to adapt to the demands of our role. A child has the freedom to behave with utmost freedom since the impact of actions is limited. However, as one increases the circle of influence, the need to review the impact of one’s actions comes into play.
What is right action? The way I understand right action, is when we do “our best in relation to others”. For example, a thief does his best to cleverly plan and steal valuables and does his best by at not getting caught. Although the thief does his best, he does not do his best in relation to others.
In a family it is the responsibility of the elders to take everyone’s interest into account while taking any decision that may impact the family as a whole. The same rule applies to the leader of an organization. The organizational interest is the guiding factor in the decision making process of a leader. Along with the authority to take decisions, there is a tremendous responsibility that rests with the leader or elder of the family.
A classic scenario exists in many organizations - A person works hard gradually moving up the career ladder accomplishing small goals little by little and carries people along with him. As he progresses, he starts observing that many of his decisions have held him in good stead. This boosts his level of confidence to take larger and more significant risks and decisions. A sentiment of “I am right” becomes his strategy of life.
This feeling of being right fuels an innate ability to take on assignments where there is scope to prove oneself over and over. It becomes a vicious circle of being proven right and success. It’s a heady cocktail and it goes straight to the head, at times. Gradually, it creates barriers such as not listening to others ideas, suggestions or even feedback. A wall of righteousness gets erected subconsciously. This is when the clarity in the decision making process blurs due to a shift in motivation from seeking growth and knowledge to seeking power and recognition.
Slowly but surely, the team starts getting frustrated because their involvement reduces and impacts their creativity and motivation. The popular boss suddenly becomes the not so wanted boss. People start feeling stifled or scared. You don’t even realize when you may have missed some opportunities or ideas or signals because you stopped listening or watching. I am not saying that you are no longer right and all suggestions need to be implemented. What needs to be inquired is the current effectiveness of the strategy of “I am right” and the need to introduce a new strategy such as “Others are right as well”.
Professor Thomas Szasz of Psychiatry at the State University of New York aptly said, “Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily.”
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Express yourself Freely
Express yourself Freely
Freedom – a word that has defined Indian history, a word that shapes nations, people and the world. Yet, I wonder how many of us look at Freedom as our personal ability to express freely and live without fears and emotional barriers. We all have a basic need for freedom of expression. The greatest gift given to mankind is the freedom to speak one’s mind. People may express through poems, paintings, literature, speeches or even social service. Our emotional barriers and self imposed limitations are our biggest chains.
Helen Keller was born without sight and the ability to hear or speak. Till the age of 7, her parents were caught in chains of helplessness and anger. Helen lived a life devoid of a language to express. She was like a trapped animal, desperate to get free. Her teacher believed in Helen’s intelligence and taught her a language. The teacher was free from any prejudices with regard to Helen and that’s what gave Helen the courage to overcome her fears.
A child has an amazing amount of energy. He can run around and play endlessly. Often the person playing with the child gets tired but not the child. More often than not, we want our child to sleep not because the child is tired. It’s because we are tired! The child does the same thing repeatedly till he masters the act and makes a game out of everything. As the child grows up, concepts comparisons, fears, emotional needs rob that life of the beauty to shine as it was meant to. The energy that was limitless starts diminishing because of the emotional drain.
There are various cultural, social, family and other pressures that curtail or block our freedom of expression. There are many who may never even be aware of their true form of expression because they may have never taken the opportunity to explore or discover their expression. Many opt to live and follow a path may be driven by needs/ demands of society, family, culture, religion etc. Often the child of businessman is expected to take over the reins of the business and expand the same. It is unlikely that the family will inquire into the possibility or encourage their child to pursue other interests like photography, music or art. Similarly, an educated professional may expect his child to pursue academia rather then theatre or cinema.
Victor Frankl said “Everything can be taken from a man but ... the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
What is it that prevents us to discover ourselves as an adult? Are you ashamed or embarrassed or scared to accept that you lived a life perceivably designed by others such as your parents, husband, in-laws, society and religion? Well, let me tell you – you are not alone.
Most of us live our life wanting to fulfill others aspirations, needs, fears, values. I agree that the early years of our life are often restricted because we need to understand the tremendous responsibility that goes hand in hand with this freedom. There is also an added responsibility to respect others self expression.
Life is fair in terms of all of us are given the abundant resources to work with – 24 hours in a day, environmental resources and abundant energy. It’s entirely up to each one of us what we do with our 24 hours. It’s all about choices and priorities. Some of us prioritize family, wealth, power, health, fun or complacency. Depending upon what we choose to focus on, we get that in our life. For instance, even an alcoholic gets what he wants – he focuses on failure and continues to get that in his life, till he chooses to want differently.
We fight for freedom from many external sources. To achieve anything, we first need to free ourselves from our own fears and emotional chains. It is said that we use only 10% of the energy existing in our body. The remaining 90% is sitting deep underneath waiting to be used. For instance, a volcano has tremendous heat and liquid energy trapped inside. After years of turbulence and pressure, the volcano erupts with such force that it causes havoc and damage to the surroundings. The impact is uncontrollable and lasts for days till that compressed energy calms down. This analogy can be applied for our body as well. The energy in our body is under utilized or rather channelized towards aspects that are often not fulfilling or significant.
An ancient Greek historian said that “The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.”
There are very few who find the courage to search for their path. We hardly ever look inside ourselves to confront this mask or persona that we create over the years with the desire to survive, over takes the need to find our true self. Over the years of programming, we forget that it “I” who lived and survived this life; it is “I” who made the choices and that is who “I” am today.
I know it sounds very simplistic – then why don’t we often get what we truly want – say love and peace. The answer is inside each one of us – how authentically do we work towards love and peace. In reality most of our energies go in acts such as proving ourselves right, justifying our actions, being scared to express freely for fear of getting rejected or taken advantage of, being scared to move forward for fear of losing, attempting to control others etc. We are therefore using our energies in acts of fear or ego. The result is a very tired mind and body. Fatigue comes into play when we do things that are contrary to our inherent nature.
Expressing ourselves freely is inherent to our being. Each person can express freely through actions such as painting, music, architecture, writing, poetry, teaching, entrepreneurship, doctor etc. Therefore, first we need to understand our unique skill. If we work from our unique gift, there is no fatigue and struggle. We can work effortlessly at refining that skill and contributing from there.
Of course, to live in this world of people, certain rules and norms need to be observed to maintain harmony. Also there may be certain acts which we may not enjoy the most but we need to learn and understand because that’s how we create space for each other to contribute and grow ourselves.
We need to contribute according to when and where there is maximum impact. This enhances our growth and that of another. Problems come into our life when we feel dissatisfied with our effort because either we did not put in our 100% or we are dissatisfied with the returns. Actually, we do not always receive something from the person to whom we contribute to. We may receive from someone else at another time and place. The way we cannot return what we receive in equal proportion, similarly, we cannot receive in equal proportion. It is for us to understand that we receive constantly.
After all, life itself is a gift and each breath of life is the best payment that we receive in return. Sadly, we rarely appreciate our breath of life. We take it for granted since it’s a silent part of us forever. We only feel a sense of gratitude towards it when we are close to our last or latter few years of our life. That’s when we start wanting to catch up on all the things that we have not been able to do while we had time and energy on our side.
Albert Einstein said, “Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.”
Freedom – a word that has defined Indian history, a word that shapes nations, people and the world. Yet, I wonder how many of us look at Freedom as our personal ability to express freely and live without fears and emotional barriers. We all have a basic need for freedom of expression. The greatest gift given to mankind is the freedom to speak one’s mind. People may express through poems, paintings, literature, speeches or even social service. Our emotional barriers and self imposed limitations are our biggest chains.
Helen Keller was born without sight and the ability to hear or speak. Till the age of 7, her parents were caught in chains of helplessness and anger. Helen lived a life devoid of a language to express. She was like a trapped animal, desperate to get free. Her teacher believed in Helen’s intelligence and taught her a language. The teacher was free from any prejudices with regard to Helen and that’s what gave Helen the courage to overcome her fears.
A child has an amazing amount of energy. He can run around and play endlessly. Often the person playing with the child gets tired but not the child. More often than not, we want our child to sleep not because the child is tired. It’s because we are tired! The child does the same thing repeatedly till he masters the act and makes a game out of everything. As the child grows up, concepts comparisons, fears, emotional needs rob that life of the beauty to shine as it was meant to. The energy that was limitless starts diminishing because of the emotional drain.
There are various cultural, social, family and other pressures that curtail or block our freedom of expression. There are many who may never even be aware of their true form of expression because they may have never taken the opportunity to explore or discover their expression. Many opt to live and follow a path may be driven by needs/ demands of society, family, culture, religion etc. Often the child of businessman is expected to take over the reins of the business and expand the same. It is unlikely that the family will inquire into the possibility or encourage their child to pursue other interests like photography, music or art. Similarly, an educated professional may expect his child to pursue academia rather then theatre or cinema.
Victor Frankl said “Everything can be taken from a man but ... the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
What is it that prevents us to discover ourselves as an adult? Are you ashamed or embarrassed or scared to accept that you lived a life perceivably designed by others such as your parents, husband, in-laws, society and religion? Well, let me tell you – you are not alone.
Most of us live our life wanting to fulfill others aspirations, needs, fears, values. I agree that the early years of our life are often restricted because we need to understand the tremendous responsibility that goes hand in hand with this freedom. There is also an added responsibility to respect others self expression.
Life is fair in terms of all of us are given the abundant resources to work with – 24 hours in a day, environmental resources and abundant energy. It’s entirely up to each one of us what we do with our 24 hours. It’s all about choices and priorities. Some of us prioritize family, wealth, power, health, fun or complacency. Depending upon what we choose to focus on, we get that in our life. For instance, even an alcoholic gets what he wants – he focuses on failure and continues to get that in his life, till he chooses to want differently.
We fight for freedom from many external sources. To achieve anything, we first need to free ourselves from our own fears and emotional chains. It is said that we use only 10% of the energy existing in our body. The remaining 90% is sitting deep underneath waiting to be used. For instance, a volcano has tremendous heat and liquid energy trapped inside. After years of turbulence and pressure, the volcano erupts with such force that it causes havoc and damage to the surroundings. The impact is uncontrollable and lasts for days till that compressed energy calms down. This analogy can be applied for our body as well. The energy in our body is under utilized or rather channelized towards aspects that are often not fulfilling or significant.
An ancient Greek historian said that “The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.”
There are very few who find the courage to search for their path. We hardly ever look inside ourselves to confront this mask or persona that we create over the years with the desire to survive, over takes the need to find our true self. Over the years of programming, we forget that it “I” who lived and survived this life; it is “I” who made the choices and that is who “I” am today.
I know it sounds very simplistic – then why don’t we often get what we truly want – say love and peace. The answer is inside each one of us – how authentically do we work towards love and peace. In reality most of our energies go in acts such as proving ourselves right, justifying our actions, being scared to express freely for fear of getting rejected or taken advantage of, being scared to move forward for fear of losing, attempting to control others etc. We are therefore using our energies in acts of fear or ego. The result is a very tired mind and body. Fatigue comes into play when we do things that are contrary to our inherent nature.
Expressing ourselves freely is inherent to our being. Each person can express freely through actions such as painting, music, architecture, writing, poetry, teaching, entrepreneurship, doctor etc. Therefore, first we need to understand our unique skill. If we work from our unique gift, there is no fatigue and struggle. We can work effortlessly at refining that skill and contributing from there.
Of course, to live in this world of people, certain rules and norms need to be observed to maintain harmony. Also there may be certain acts which we may not enjoy the most but we need to learn and understand because that’s how we create space for each other to contribute and grow ourselves.
We need to contribute according to when and where there is maximum impact. This enhances our growth and that of another. Problems come into our life when we feel dissatisfied with our effort because either we did not put in our 100% or we are dissatisfied with the returns. Actually, we do not always receive something from the person to whom we contribute to. We may receive from someone else at another time and place. The way we cannot return what we receive in equal proportion, similarly, we cannot receive in equal proportion. It is for us to understand that we receive constantly.
After all, life itself is a gift and each breath of life is the best payment that we receive in return. Sadly, we rarely appreciate our breath of life. We take it for granted since it’s a silent part of us forever. We only feel a sense of gratitude towards it when we are close to our last or latter few years of our life. That’s when we start wanting to catch up on all the things that we have not been able to do while we had time and energy on our side.
Albert Einstein said, “Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.”
Friday, July 16, 2010
Move away from the past and design a new future
Move away from the past and design a new future
Life happens in now. Most of us are familiar with that statement. However, living in the present is one of the toughest disciplines. We either live in the past or in the future.
Our life is a treasure of memories of events, people who have shaped our life. Life gets shaped with every event and with every interaction. Our parents play the most significant influence on our personality. Admiration and compassion is the basic need of humanity. Every word or gesture defines our thought process and adds to our interpretation of life around us.
There is an abundance of opportunities that surround us. We invariably overlook them because we are too focused on the constraints of the past and carry the same into the future. Nature is a perfect example of abundance – oceans, grasslands, animals, wealth and natural reserves. Like life, natural reserves are distributed in different proportions across the world.
A poor person often ends up spending his whole life working towards making ends meet because he lives in the vicious cycle of - I am poor and that is my past, present and future reality. Our creativity towards a new future gets blocked because we look backwards. We get stuck in the past. It’s like driving a car by holding the rear view mirror instead of the steering wheel.
The more we focus on the rejections, failures, incompletion; the more we lose sight of our vision. More often than not, when we perceive any comment or incident as negative, that’s it – life comes to a grinding halt in that moment and the incident is filed safely into our memory bank for referral. Each time we encounter a similar comment, we refer to our memory bank and add the file to the folders we create for similar events, people and relationships. We then live our life on the basis of those files that are possibly outdated. Not only do we forget to update those files, we don’t even give ourselves a chance because it is easier to use the familiar data rather than study new data. We impact our own growth as well as that of others around us.
To live powerfully, we need to be in control of our reaction to our circumstances and not allow our circumstances to control us. We have an inherent capacity to create our own future yet we allow circumstances to design our life. Your current circumstances are yours. How you react to them is up to YOU.
An American philosopher, Mr William James noted that, “The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be.”
“The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne is one such example that sufficiently illustrates the “Law of Attraction”. If we believe tomorrow will be better, it usually is better.
For instance, many years ago, Mahatma Gandhi believed in Independent India and made Freedom the mission of his life. Freedom was the mantra of the Indians pre-independence and therefore, Freedom is what we attracted and achieved.
Then what is it that prevents us from moving away from the past and creating a new future. I believe that there is a devil that inhabits in every human being’s mind. I call it the Devil because it makes us behave like Dr Jykle and Mr Hyde. When we feel safe, we are full of love and calm and the minute we feel threatened, we show signs of anger, frustration, self-doubt, righteousness, insecurity etc. The minute we think we are being proven wrong or let down, the in-built protective mechanism is thrown between us and the rest of the world.
For instance, we expect our child to be the best at academics and every possible extra curricular activity and above all at those subjects that we perceive as appropriate for survival in the world. The pressure of performance is built up from the day the child is born. Every milestone such as sitting, crawling, walking, talking etc is constantly measured with world standards. Gradually, the child builds barriers due to fears of rejection, failure, incompetence in his mind. This is the birth of our personal Devil. The survival instinct causes that child to build a personal shield in the form of anger, righteousness, stubbornness, resignation, etc.
The power of the mind amazes me. The same mind can conquer the world or defeat oneself. This depends upon the discipline and perspective one chooses to exercise. Therefore, understanding and then accepting the role and impact of your own devil is important. It is not easy to conquer it because it requires confronting the self image (“persona or mask”) that we have constructed over the years.
Our world is no different from that of many others. Every human being is a composition of thoughts and emotions. All of us feel, think, breathe, eat and do similar bodily actions. And, all human beings aspire for peace and happiness. Yet we distance ourselves from each other in an attempt to protect ourselves. Who are we trying to protect ourselves from – I, myself and me. That’s the irony of life. We live our life shielding ourselves from looking into the mirror.
We listen more frequently to the voice of the Devil because that prevents us from “perceivably” getting hurt. The more we listen to that self created Devil, the more distance we create from that little inner voice which tries to resurface time and again. That Devil is our ego. That little voice is our conscience or the voice of truth. In every moment we can chose to befriend either our ego or the voice of truth. Both paths require courage – to deceive you or deceive others. Sadly (and often unknowingly), we often chose to deceive ourselves to satisfy others.
What makes us deceive ourselves? I believe the biggest gap in our life is that we don’t trust in our own Goodness. Every human being is born with goodness. The birth of a child brings happiness and joy in its family. There is cheer and celebration for the new life, for the light of hope, for the fulfillment of dreams and for that continuity of humanity.
What happens as we grow up – we start questioning the love of our parents? We keep looking for that unconditional love that accepts us for who we are. We misunderstand and doubt their aspirations, their fears, their love to see us happy, their love to see us safe, their love to see us successful, their love to see us fulfill their dreams. We interpret all of that as incompleteness in ourselves and imperfection in the relationship. We forget that our parents are first human beings and then a father or mother. They too have a baggage of interpretations, fears, doubts and past. This baggage subconsciously gets passed onto the children because of the high intensity of interaction and protectiveness.
When we see ourselves as incomplete, we focus on constantly filling that gap. To achieve perfection, we focus on our beauty, intelligence, financial status, skills, talents and other attributes. Slowly but surely, we tarnish that perfection because we are too busy filing that perceivable gap.
We forget to use that gift. We forget to nurture that light. We curb our outflow of goodness because of lack of faith. We constantly look for validation from our school teachers, friends, siblings, colleagues, boss and so on. We behave in different ways to receive acknowledgement - competitively, aggressively, rebelliously, domineering or popularly.
If we cannot trust ourselves, how can we trust others or expect others to trust us. Confidence in one’s goodness is what allows us to freely enjoy and nurture the goodness in others. I always understood trust as sharing your feelings and thoughts with others. Trust is what allows us to have meaningful relationships with other people.
The enormity of the word “Trust” is far higher – it not only means trusting in others to the extent of establishing relationships but above all trusting in yourself. It is that trust in one’s abilities that enables us to succeed and contribute. It enables us to support others to grow and contribute in the world. It allows ME to enjoy and love ME.
If we look at nature, no animal, no plant, no water body is equal in size. Nature in its every form, color, shape and size contributes uniquely to the beauty of the world. Similarly, we are born in different shapes, sizes, colors and homes. We all have a responsibility to contribute from our uniqueness and make a difference in our domain. The world is inter-connected; you too can be a part of contributing to world peace.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.”
Life happens in now. Most of us are familiar with that statement. However, living in the present is one of the toughest disciplines. We either live in the past or in the future.
Our life is a treasure of memories of events, people who have shaped our life. Life gets shaped with every event and with every interaction. Our parents play the most significant influence on our personality. Admiration and compassion is the basic need of humanity. Every word or gesture defines our thought process and adds to our interpretation of life around us.
There is an abundance of opportunities that surround us. We invariably overlook them because we are too focused on the constraints of the past and carry the same into the future. Nature is a perfect example of abundance – oceans, grasslands, animals, wealth and natural reserves. Like life, natural reserves are distributed in different proportions across the world.
A poor person often ends up spending his whole life working towards making ends meet because he lives in the vicious cycle of - I am poor and that is my past, present and future reality. Our creativity towards a new future gets blocked because we look backwards. We get stuck in the past. It’s like driving a car by holding the rear view mirror instead of the steering wheel.
The more we focus on the rejections, failures, incompletion; the more we lose sight of our vision. More often than not, when we perceive any comment or incident as negative, that’s it – life comes to a grinding halt in that moment and the incident is filed safely into our memory bank for referral. Each time we encounter a similar comment, we refer to our memory bank and add the file to the folders we create for similar events, people and relationships. We then live our life on the basis of those files that are possibly outdated. Not only do we forget to update those files, we don’t even give ourselves a chance because it is easier to use the familiar data rather than study new data. We impact our own growth as well as that of others around us.
To live powerfully, we need to be in control of our reaction to our circumstances and not allow our circumstances to control us. We have an inherent capacity to create our own future yet we allow circumstances to design our life. Your current circumstances are yours. How you react to them is up to YOU.
An American philosopher, Mr William James noted that, “The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be.”
“The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne is one such example that sufficiently illustrates the “Law of Attraction”. If we believe tomorrow will be better, it usually is better.
For instance, many years ago, Mahatma Gandhi believed in Independent India and made Freedom the mission of his life. Freedom was the mantra of the Indians pre-independence and therefore, Freedom is what we attracted and achieved.
Then what is it that prevents us from moving away from the past and creating a new future. I believe that there is a devil that inhabits in every human being’s mind. I call it the Devil because it makes us behave like Dr Jykle and Mr Hyde. When we feel safe, we are full of love and calm and the minute we feel threatened, we show signs of anger, frustration, self-doubt, righteousness, insecurity etc. The minute we think we are being proven wrong or let down, the in-built protective mechanism is thrown between us and the rest of the world.
For instance, we expect our child to be the best at academics and every possible extra curricular activity and above all at those subjects that we perceive as appropriate for survival in the world. The pressure of performance is built up from the day the child is born. Every milestone such as sitting, crawling, walking, talking etc is constantly measured with world standards. Gradually, the child builds barriers due to fears of rejection, failure, incompetence in his mind. This is the birth of our personal Devil. The survival instinct causes that child to build a personal shield in the form of anger, righteousness, stubbornness, resignation, etc.
The power of the mind amazes me. The same mind can conquer the world or defeat oneself. This depends upon the discipline and perspective one chooses to exercise. Therefore, understanding and then accepting the role and impact of your own devil is important. It is not easy to conquer it because it requires confronting the self image (“persona or mask”) that we have constructed over the years.
Our world is no different from that of many others. Every human being is a composition of thoughts and emotions. All of us feel, think, breathe, eat and do similar bodily actions. And, all human beings aspire for peace and happiness. Yet we distance ourselves from each other in an attempt to protect ourselves. Who are we trying to protect ourselves from – I, myself and me. That’s the irony of life. We live our life shielding ourselves from looking into the mirror.
We listen more frequently to the voice of the Devil because that prevents us from “perceivably” getting hurt. The more we listen to that self created Devil, the more distance we create from that little inner voice which tries to resurface time and again. That Devil is our ego. That little voice is our conscience or the voice of truth. In every moment we can chose to befriend either our ego or the voice of truth. Both paths require courage – to deceive you or deceive others. Sadly (and often unknowingly), we often chose to deceive ourselves to satisfy others.
What makes us deceive ourselves? I believe the biggest gap in our life is that we don’t trust in our own Goodness. Every human being is born with goodness. The birth of a child brings happiness and joy in its family. There is cheer and celebration for the new life, for the light of hope, for the fulfillment of dreams and for that continuity of humanity.
What happens as we grow up – we start questioning the love of our parents? We keep looking for that unconditional love that accepts us for who we are. We misunderstand and doubt their aspirations, their fears, their love to see us happy, their love to see us safe, their love to see us successful, their love to see us fulfill their dreams. We interpret all of that as incompleteness in ourselves and imperfection in the relationship. We forget that our parents are first human beings and then a father or mother. They too have a baggage of interpretations, fears, doubts and past. This baggage subconsciously gets passed onto the children because of the high intensity of interaction and protectiveness.
When we see ourselves as incomplete, we focus on constantly filling that gap. To achieve perfection, we focus on our beauty, intelligence, financial status, skills, talents and other attributes. Slowly but surely, we tarnish that perfection because we are too busy filing that perceivable gap.
We forget to use that gift. We forget to nurture that light. We curb our outflow of goodness because of lack of faith. We constantly look for validation from our school teachers, friends, siblings, colleagues, boss and so on. We behave in different ways to receive acknowledgement - competitively, aggressively, rebelliously, domineering or popularly.
If we cannot trust ourselves, how can we trust others or expect others to trust us. Confidence in one’s goodness is what allows us to freely enjoy and nurture the goodness in others. I always understood trust as sharing your feelings and thoughts with others. Trust is what allows us to have meaningful relationships with other people.
The enormity of the word “Trust” is far higher – it not only means trusting in others to the extent of establishing relationships but above all trusting in yourself. It is that trust in one’s abilities that enables us to succeed and contribute. It enables us to support others to grow and contribute in the world. It allows ME to enjoy and love ME.
If we look at nature, no animal, no plant, no water body is equal in size. Nature in its every form, color, shape and size contributes uniquely to the beauty of the world. Similarly, we are born in different shapes, sizes, colors and homes. We all have a responsibility to contribute from our uniqueness and make a difference in our domain. The world is inter-connected; you too can be a part of contributing to world peace.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.”
Monday, June 7, 2010
Spiritual knowledge
Spiritual knowledge
I would like to start with a story that triggered me to write this article.
In the court of a king, there was a jester who entertained the king everyday with his jokes and funny mannerism. Everyone in the court called him a “fool” including the king. Many years later when the king was on his death bed, all his people went to pay their last respects. The jester too went to meet the king. When he met the king, he asked the king a rather simple though very profound question – “When anyone has to go for a journey, they prepare for that journey well in advance. How come though you always knew you would have to take this journey of death, you never prepared yourself for the same? Now, tell me who is a fool?” The king, of course had no answer to this question.
In today’s time, do we all live our life like fools? The first reality of life when we are born is that we will die. However, we live our life as if we are immortal. Whether it is acquiring material wealth or academic certificates, we keep pursuing our definition of success. History is the biggest proof of the fact that we are all born to die and it is up to us how we live our life and what foot print we chose o leave behind.
I had a very touching experience as a parent when my son was 2 years old. He joined play school and was very happy to meet other children. The other children would cry to see their mother go. My son on the other hand would take a tissue and wipe the tears of those children and cheer them with ideas of being together for a day of fun. I cherish this incident because it speaks louder about his character rather than his educational accomplishments.
Our true intrinsic nature is to be caring, loving and giving. However, as we grow older, we tend to focus more on acquiring, taking and fearing. We mostly love people out of fear of loneliness rather than pure love for humanity.
I go for a walk along the sea very regularly because I enjoy walking. Of course, it supports the purpose of staying fit, but I do not agonize if I miss going any day for fear of putting on weight. I miss it more for the time that I get to explore my thoughts or observe the diversities of the city. I really don’t know how many people walk for the love of walking and how many walk for the fear of putting on weight. I notice most people walking purposefully, pushing their body desperately, as if saying, “Come on shape up!” Two segments of society look cheerful - the senior citizens and children – for meeting comrades or running free, respectively.
If you go into a gym, people exercise vigorously, panting, moving from machine to machine while looking enviously at all those fit muscled bodies. Are they there to feel good or miserable? When you exercise you are supposed to release hormones that should ideally make you feel happy. If however, the feeling you accumulate is of envy or misery of not achieving the targeted body or speed or fitness level, you have already marginalized the benefit of the activity.
I meet many people who talk extensively about self development. What I tend to notice is that not many give priority to the same. They are either too busy achieving the next profit target or too frustrated with life to give this a chance or too busy with family, kids and social commitments or are simply misguided.
I too pursued a life of academic qualifications and certifications and lived an ignorant life till few years ago. I was not controlling my life; the ups and downs of my relationships were controlling my life. My relationship with my career, my family, my friends, society and above all, myself, was governed by the immediacy of the moment.
I had never worked at developing my intellect in a focused manner. Whatever development had happened over the years was more by chance rather than design. The values given to me by my family, school, near and dear ones had contributed and shaped my life. The awareness or rather the consistency of living with consciousness was missing. I had of course done many things right or wrong, but I was not always aware of WHAT had caused my life to go right or wrong.
As Mahatma Gandhi very aptly said, “You must be the change you want to see”. If you want to see the world around yourself as possible, then first and foremost you need to see yourself as a possibility.
People at large spend lots of money on acquiring the best education, healthy-nutritious food or most fit and good looking body. I am curious to know how many people even think of developing their intellect. Even if some do, how much time or money are they willing to spend on the same relative to their physical body?
Schooling is important as it enables us to explore our inherent nature, understand human inter-action and world issues and of course, develop an avenue to earn money to buy all basic necessities. Looking after our body through nutritious food and exercise is also as essential since a healthy body allows us to carry actions. The most significant piece in the puzzle is the intellect. Here I would like to distinguish between the intelligence and the intellect. Our intelligence is sharpened through the information gathering process. It is our intellect that channelizes the appropriate use our intelligence.
The intellect or to make it simpler, the thought process determines the quality of our life. The intelligence has the ability to determine our standard of living. Do we live that life feeling satisfied or frustrated is up to the intellect. We may achieve social success through application of our skills and hard work but there may be a constant sense of agitation and dissatisfaction. The effort required to achieve that success in fact doubles because the body has to deal with the physical and mental pressure.
I would like to narrate another story – a poor man with an ugly face, crooked nose and mouth, walked the streets of a kingdom and people laughed and mocked at his looks. The king upon hearing about this man, asked him to be presented in the court. When the king saw his face, the king too started laughing. The poor man calmly responded, “I don’t know if you are laughing at me or the one who made me.”
We are born with certain physical and other attributes. How we use the same or how we react to our own attributes is entirely in our control. Here is where a fine distinction comes into play -- does the body possess you or do you possess the body, does wealth possess you or do you possess the wealth or does the relationship govern your life or do you govern the relationship.
Sadly, we value the thought process the least because the impact (in our perception) is not immediately externally visible. We don’t realize the significance of the need to develop mastery on our thought process or appreciate that the intellect like any other physical aspect of our body also requires nurturing. In fact, with clarity of thought, life becomes simpler, choices become easier and abundant time and resources become available. The higher the clarity of thought, the easier it is to take decisions or conduct yourself and hence, the less energy we expend towards any task. The spare energy and time can be channelized towards other activities.
Here is a typical corporate scenario -- an executive who is competitive and has extensive technical knowledge, may climb the professional ladder rapidly through commitment and hard work. He may carry the belief that only (or largely) he has the ability to take correct decisions or generate ideas or deliver quality. Consequently, he may not delegate the work or develop people adequately. This creates many organizational issues – the executive suffers from severe time crunch, the subordinates may not develop appropriately and the executive may not progress further. Of course, all this is not intentional because there is an underlying intent to succeed. What is missing is the awareness or the clarity of the repercussions of the behavior or thought process that has unknowingly become a pattern.
The same thought process manifests as a friend and a foe. To understand this, first and foremost, one needs to get aware of the pre-dominant thought process and its impact on one’s life. In the above instance, the individuals’ competitive behavior enables him to achieve professional success rapidly, confidently conduct himself amongst people and complete projects in a qualitative manner. On the other hand, the same thought process acts a barrier to tapping the hidden potential of self and others.
I would like to summarize with a quotation by Mahatma Gandhi, “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
I would like to start with a story that triggered me to write this article.
In the court of a king, there was a jester who entertained the king everyday with his jokes and funny mannerism. Everyone in the court called him a “fool” including the king. Many years later when the king was on his death bed, all his people went to pay their last respects. The jester too went to meet the king. When he met the king, he asked the king a rather simple though very profound question – “When anyone has to go for a journey, they prepare for that journey well in advance. How come though you always knew you would have to take this journey of death, you never prepared yourself for the same? Now, tell me who is a fool?” The king, of course had no answer to this question.
In today’s time, do we all live our life like fools? The first reality of life when we are born is that we will die. However, we live our life as if we are immortal. Whether it is acquiring material wealth or academic certificates, we keep pursuing our definition of success. History is the biggest proof of the fact that we are all born to die and it is up to us how we live our life and what foot print we chose o leave behind.
I had a very touching experience as a parent when my son was 2 years old. He joined play school and was very happy to meet other children. The other children would cry to see their mother go. My son on the other hand would take a tissue and wipe the tears of those children and cheer them with ideas of being together for a day of fun. I cherish this incident because it speaks louder about his character rather than his educational accomplishments.
Our true intrinsic nature is to be caring, loving and giving. However, as we grow older, we tend to focus more on acquiring, taking and fearing. We mostly love people out of fear of loneliness rather than pure love for humanity.
I go for a walk along the sea very regularly because I enjoy walking. Of course, it supports the purpose of staying fit, but I do not agonize if I miss going any day for fear of putting on weight. I miss it more for the time that I get to explore my thoughts or observe the diversities of the city. I really don’t know how many people walk for the love of walking and how many walk for the fear of putting on weight. I notice most people walking purposefully, pushing their body desperately, as if saying, “Come on shape up!” Two segments of society look cheerful - the senior citizens and children – for meeting comrades or running free, respectively.
If you go into a gym, people exercise vigorously, panting, moving from machine to machine while looking enviously at all those fit muscled bodies. Are they there to feel good or miserable? When you exercise you are supposed to release hormones that should ideally make you feel happy. If however, the feeling you accumulate is of envy or misery of not achieving the targeted body or speed or fitness level, you have already marginalized the benefit of the activity.
I meet many people who talk extensively about self development. What I tend to notice is that not many give priority to the same. They are either too busy achieving the next profit target or too frustrated with life to give this a chance or too busy with family, kids and social commitments or are simply misguided.
I too pursued a life of academic qualifications and certifications and lived an ignorant life till few years ago. I was not controlling my life; the ups and downs of my relationships were controlling my life. My relationship with my career, my family, my friends, society and above all, myself, was governed by the immediacy of the moment.
I had never worked at developing my intellect in a focused manner. Whatever development had happened over the years was more by chance rather than design. The values given to me by my family, school, near and dear ones had contributed and shaped my life. The awareness or rather the consistency of living with consciousness was missing. I had of course done many things right or wrong, but I was not always aware of WHAT had caused my life to go right or wrong.
As Mahatma Gandhi very aptly said, “You must be the change you want to see”. If you want to see the world around yourself as possible, then first and foremost you need to see yourself as a possibility.
People at large spend lots of money on acquiring the best education, healthy-nutritious food or most fit and good looking body. I am curious to know how many people even think of developing their intellect. Even if some do, how much time or money are they willing to spend on the same relative to their physical body?
Schooling is important as it enables us to explore our inherent nature, understand human inter-action and world issues and of course, develop an avenue to earn money to buy all basic necessities. Looking after our body through nutritious food and exercise is also as essential since a healthy body allows us to carry actions. The most significant piece in the puzzle is the intellect. Here I would like to distinguish between the intelligence and the intellect. Our intelligence is sharpened through the information gathering process. It is our intellect that channelizes the appropriate use our intelligence.
The intellect or to make it simpler, the thought process determines the quality of our life. The intelligence has the ability to determine our standard of living. Do we live that life feeling satisfied or frustrated is up to the intellect. We may achieve social success through application of our skills and hard work but there may be a constant sense of agitation and dissatisfaction. The effort required to achieve that success in fact doubles because the body has to deal with the physical and mental pressure.
I would like to narrate another story – a poor man with an ugly face, crooked nose and mouth, walked the streets of a kingdom and people laughed and mocked at his looks. The king upon hearing about this man, asked him to be presented in the court. When the king saw his face, the king too started laughing. The poor man calmly responded, “I don’t know if you are laughing at me or the one who made me.”
We are born with certain physical and other attributes. How we use the same or how we react to our own attributes is entirely in our control. Here is where a fine distinction comes into play -- does the body possess you or do you possess the body, does wealth possess you or do you possess the wealth or does the relationship govern your life or do you govern the relationship.
Sadly, we value the thought process the least because the impact (in our perception) is not immediately externally visible. We don’t realize the significance of the need to develop mastery on our thought process or appreciate that the intellect like any other physical aspect of our body also requires nurturing. In fact, with clarity of thought, life becomes simpler, choices become easier and abundant time and resources become available. The higher the clarity of thought, the easier it is to take decisions or conduct yourself and hence, the less energy we expend towards any task. The spare energy and time can be channelized towards other activities.
Here is a typical corporate scenario -- an executive who is competitive and has extensive technical knowledge, may climb the professional ladder rapidly through commitment and hard work. He may carry the belief that only (or largely) he has the ability to take correct decisions or generate ideas or deliver quality. Consequently, he may not delegate the work or develop people adequately. This creates many organizational issues – the executive suffers from severe time crunch, the subordinates may not develop appropriately and the executive may not progress further. Of course, all this is not intentional because there is an underlying intent to succeed. What is missing is the awareness or the clarity of the repercussions of the behavior or thought process that has unknowingly become a pattern.
The same thought process manifests as a friend and a foe. To understand this, first and foremost, one needs to get aware of the pre-dominant thought process and its impact on one’s life. In the above instance, the individuals’ competitive behavior enables him to achieve professional success rapidly, confidently conduct himself amongst people and complete projects in a qualitative manner. On the other hand, the same thought process acts a barrier to tapping the hidden potential of self and others.
I would like to summarize with a quotation by Mahatma Gandhi, “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Interview with Deborah Weed
Excerpts from Deborah Weed’s Interview with Ashu Khanna
Q: What is the biggest stumbling block that you come across?
A: Too many people lose sight of what they want in life. The coaching process is meant to give them clarity of thought and help them make the right choices. I see myself as an
unbiased sounding board. My job is to help my clients get ahead and change their
perspective.
Q: What is your personal philosophy on the best way to live life?
A: I live with an attitude of: never give up. There are always many options, life is all about abundance. I don’t wish to die with any regrets and learning never ends.
Q: How do you handle challenges?
A: It has been a hard toil at times. Like any other person, I too go through stress phases.
However, I know there is something to learn from each one so I fight it out.
Q: Have you always been a life coach?
A: Interestingly, I am from the typical financial organizations and have tasted the highs of success. I am surrounded by many people from the financial field who believed that their life had entered a dark alley last year.
Q: What did you learn from going from the financial world to the coaching one?
A: As an entrepreneur I did not always have answers for my balance sheet. However,
as a coach, I looked at my success from two perspectives: the change and success
quotient of the people I coached as well as my personal success.
Q: How do you measure your personal success?
A: I look at personal success as being able to balance my life, being at peace with my
choices and growing spiritually. My life is divided into many pizza slices and I enjoy
each one of them. I manage my work life from home; have two young children; help to
take care of an aging father; my mother in law lives in my house; I swim; walk; workout;
mediate; sing; socialize with friends and enjoy time with my husband.
Q: So you define success as more than just work?
A: It is far higher than professional success and cannot be measured in monetary terms.
Especially since it is sustainable unlike professional success, which is transient. My
personal equity is the contributions that I make to society and my personal growth.
Q: Right now, everyone is really concerned about their stream of income. Especially during this recession. What are your thoughts on this?
A: When people focus on their net worth alone, first of all they forget that they may have
many other talents that they have never explored or pursued. After all, our skill sets are
not limited to working in the corporate world. For instance, I am a chartered accountant
turned coach.
Q: Did you have prior coaching experience?
A: I had no prior knowledge or training as a coach. Neither was it something that just fell in my lap. I have worked towards recreating my life by trying many avenues.
Q: What is an example of some of the careers you have experimented with?
A: I tried my hand at opening a restaurant; looked into trading; graphic design, etc. I also
spent time, in between these search periods to develop myself by swimming; tennis;
piano; singing and painting. I am not an expert at any of these but I widened my
horizons tremendously.
Q: It sounds like you were open to learn. Do you think it’s easy to just jump in?
A: People today don’t want to fight it out. They want it easy all the way. Just high
SAT scores does not predict your success quotient for living your life.
Q: What is one of the biggest things that we should all be aware of?
A: That we need to take responsibility for ones own life and actions. We teach our children how to succeed but not how to live. If a person is able to take leadership of his life, many things will fall into place.
Q: What would you suggest that would help our society?
A: At Universities, students are taught every possible subject, but they do not focus on
self-awareness. I believe this is the highest success tool. Theories are taught and
certifications are given disproportionate significance but human attitude is ignored.
Q: You are so right. Is there anything else you would like to share?
A: Students spend the first 25 years of their life working towards an Ivy League MBA, then the next 25 in the arrogance of the same and the last 25 cleaning up the impact of those 50 years. I too am part of the same cycle and hence I understand the fall out. However, fortunately for me, the second phase did not last 25 years. It takes tremendous courage to live a life of design rather than a life based on society expectations. What we tend to forget is that society never lives your life for you. Society is simply a support structure.
Follow up questions by Deborah:
Q1. What would you suggest when a person gets stuck or has amassed a lot of disappointment?
A1. Getting stuck or disappointed: First and foremost, pain, struggle, getting stuck or suffering, whatever you wish to call it are all as much a part of life as joy, success, moving ahead etc. We are quick to embrace and enjoy one but not the other. If we look at both as part of whole, it makes it easier to look for solutions. I have normally adopted an attitude of confronting life - problems, blocks, issues, relationships and even myself. "No pain, no gain". Also, if you don't try something, how will you ever know if it works for you or not. I don't surrender or accept defeat before the fight. When I fight, I am aware that every confrontation has a fall out - its my choice which pain is better to live with - the disappointment or the fall out of the fight. It takes as much (if not more) courage to hang onto a disappointment.
Q2. Have you ever been stuck? How did you fight your way through?
A2. Of course, I get stuck even now. I am human after all. I confront myself to see what's holding me down - expectations, ego, fear or lack of trust. Most of the answers are within, so I search inside first and then go and act outside. There was a time in life when I only attacked outwards, not any longer. I understand that its my life and I have to take responsibility for whatever it brings on.
Q3. Why do most of us stay on one track are whole lives?
A3. Everyone is born with different courage levels and different aptitudes. People try different things at different levels and areas. So at times one may never know if someone is truly on the same track in just one visible aspect and not another. For instance, Mr Obama has a higher courage level than many of us. He had the courage to walk into unchartered territory. Many of us may not have the same courage to face the consequences of change and commitment to pursue an objective.
Q4. How can we learn to experiment with different things?
A4. No pain, no gain. We are born survivors. If you commit to any attitude, even failure, you will succeed in convincing yourself that you are a failure. Sadly, our fear of rejection or failure grips us and we convince ourselves very quickly that we cannot cross the barrier (which actually is largely self imposed).
Q5. Has society formed our rigidity, or are we just afraid of change?
A5. Society is made up of people like you and me. Its up to us to be a catalyst of change. Any change takes time and not everyone accepts it. Its up to you how high is your need for approval. Of course that said - one needs to respect others lives and the impact of your actions while taking these decisions.
Q6. Finally, would you offer your 5-10 top tips.
A6. Few tips to living life that have worked for me:
• Zest for life - its the best gift and we treat it too cheaply.
• Anything you learn is always an investment into your life.
• You are the master of your life.
• Like physics - every action has a reaction
• We can do far more than we often chose to do
• Whatever you commit to, you get. Law of attraction.
• There are no short cuts or miracles - its hard work, perseverance and desire to grow
• Additionally, compassion, humility and moderation - these 3 keep you going a long way.
Q: What is the biggest stumbling block that you come across?
A: Too many people lose sight of what they want in life. The coaching process is meant to give them clarity of thought and help them make the right choices. I see myself as an
unbiased sounding board. My job is to help my clients get ahead and change their
perspective.
Q: What is your personal philosophy on the best way to live life?
A: I live with an attitude of: never give up. There are always many options, life is all about abundance. I don’t wish to die with any regrets and learning never ends.
Q: How do you handle challenges?
A: It has been a hard toil at times. Like any other person, I too go through stress phases.
However, I know there is something to learn from each one so I fight it out.
Q: Have you always been a life coach?
A: Interestingly, I am from the typical financial organizations and have tasted the highs of success. I am surrounded by many people from the financial field who believed that their life had entered a dark alley last year.
Q: What did you learn from going from the financial world to the coaching one?
A: As an entrepreneur I did not always have answers for my balance sheet. However,
as a coach, I looked at my success from two perspectives: the change and success
quotient of the people I coached as well as my personal success.
Q: How do you measure your personal success?
A: I look at personal success as being able to balance my life, being at peace with my
choices and growing spiritually. My life is divided into many pizza slices and I enjoy
each one of them. I manage my work life from home; have two young children; help to
take care of an aging father; my mother in law lives in my house; I swim; walk; workout;
mediate; sing; socialize with friends and enjoy time with my husband.
Q: So you define success as more than just work?
A: It is far higher than professional success and cannot be measured in monetary terms.
Especially since it is sustainable unlike professional success, which is transient. My
personal equity is the contributions that I make to society and my personal growth.
Q: Right now, everyone is really concerned about their stream of income. Especially during this recession. What are your thoughts on this?
A: When people focus on their net worth alone, first of all they forget that they may have
many other talents that they have never explored or pursued. After all, our skill sets are
not limited to working in the corporate world. For instance, I am a chartered accountant
turned coach.
Q: Did you have prior coaching experience?
A: I had no prior knowledge or training as a coach. Neither was it something that just fell in my lap. I have worked towards recreating my life by trying many avenues.
Q: What is an example of some of the careers you have experimented with?
A: I tried my hand at opening a restaurant; looked into trading; graphic design, etc. I also
spent time, in between these search periods to develop myself by swimming; tennis;
piano; singing and painting. I am not an expert at any of these but I widened my
horizons tremendously.
Q: It sounds like you were open to learn. Do you think it’s easy to just jump in?
A: People today don’t want to fight it out. They want it easy all the way. Just high
SAT scores does not predict your success quotient for living your life.
Q: What is one of the biggest things that we should all be aware of?
A: That we need to take responsibility for ones own life and actions. We teach our children how to succeed but not how to live. If a person is able to take leadership of his life, many things will fall into place.
Q: What would you suggest that would help our society?
A: At Universities, students are taught every possible subject, but they do not focus on
self-awareness. I believe this is the highest success tool. Theories are taught and
certifications are given disproportionate significance but human attitude is ignored.
Q: You are so right. Is there anything else you would like to share?
A: Students spend the first 25 years of their life working towards an Ivy League MBA, then the next 25 in the arrogance of the same and the last 25 cleaning up the impact of those 50 years. I too am part of the same cycle and hence I understand the fall out. However, fortunately for me, the second phase did not last 25 years. It takes tremendous courage to live a life of design rather than a life based on society expectations. What we tend to forget is that society never lives your life for you. Society is simply a support structure.
Follow up questions by Deborah:
Q1. What would you suggest when a person gets stuck or has amassed a lot of disappointment?
A1. Getting stuck or disappointed: First and foremost, pain, struggle, getting stuck or suffering, whatever you wish to call it are all as much a part of life as joy, success, moving ahead etc. We are quick to embrace and enjoy one but not the other. If we look at both as part of whole, it makes it easier to look for solutions. I have normally adopted an attitude of confronting life - problems, blocks, issues, relationships and even myself. "No pain, no gain". Also, if you don't try something, how will you ever know if it works for you or not. I don't surrender or accept defeat before the fight. When I fight, I am aware that every confrontation has a fall out - its my choice which pain is better to live with - the disappointment or the fall out of the fight. It takes as much (if not more) courage to hang onto a disappointment.
Q2. Have you ever been stuck? How did you fight your way through?
A2. Of course, I get stuck even now. I am human after all. I confront myself to see what's holding me down - expectations, ego, fear or lack of trust. Most of the answers are within, so I search inside first and then go and act outside. There was a time in life when I only attacked outwards, not any longer. I understand that its my life and I have to take responsibility for whatever it brings on.
Q3. Why do most of us stay on one track are whole lives?
A3. Everyone is born with different courage levels and different aptitudes. People try different things at different levels and areas. So at times one may never know if someone is truly on the same track in just one visible aspect and not another. For instance, Mr Obama has a higher courage level than many of us. He had the courage to walk into unchartered territory. Many of us may not have the same courage to face the consequences of change and commitment to pursue an objective.
Q4. How can we learn to experiment with different things?
A4. No pain, no gain. We are born survivors. If you commit to any attitude, even failure, you will succeed in convincing yourself that you are a failure. Sadly, our fear of rejection or failure grips us and we convince ourselves very quickly that we cannot cross the barrier (which actually is largely self imposed).
Q5. Has society formed our rigidity, or are we just afraid of change?
A5. Society is made up of people like you and me. Its up to us to be a catalyst of change. Any change takes time and not everyone accepts it. Its up to you how high is your need for approval. Of course that said - one needs to respect others lives and the impact of your actions while taking these decisions.
Q6. Finally, would you offer your 5-10 top tips.
A6. Few tips to living life that have worked for me:
• Zest for life - its the best gift and we treat it too cheaply.
• Anything you learn is always an investment into your life.
• You are the master of your life.
• Like physics - every action has a reaction
• We can do far more than we often chose to do
• Whatever you commit to, you get. Law of attraction.
• There are no short cuts or miracles - its hard work, perseverance and desire to grow
• Additionally, compassion, humility and moderation - these 3 keep you going a long way.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Validation/ Acknowledgement
We all want our views, our emotions, our words and actions to be acknowledged. At times, we are willing to do anything to acheive this validation. Interestingly, you may be a university or school topper and acheiver, yet not feel acknowledged because somewhere deep within you may have decided to call yourself "Average". You may be benchmarking yourself with your parents, your siblings, your friends or anyone else and therefore, always convincing yourself that you are "Average".
This sentiment of life may fuel you to work hard and achieve success. However, you may question or continue to not accept the level of success because you have always lived with the belief of "I can't do it", or "It happened accidently to me". You are waiting for the next validation to make you believe that you are actually capable.
When does this vicious cycle come to an end? How many validations do we need?
Any number of validations cannot be enough till you acknowledge yourself.If you make seeking acknowledgements as the purpose of your life, you will get stuck and live your life at that level.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Leadership in Turbulent times
Dynamic environment
Faces of global economies have changed ever since 2008 when the “sub-prime crisis” unfolded. The impact of the financial crisis has been far-reaching and has shaken the foundation of many businesses. People are feeling exposed, vulnerable and directionless due to the stresses of loss of opportunities, employment, housing and financial worth.
This global economic meltdown has required many companies to redraw their plans for the future in terms of merger or acquisition plans, strategy changes, cost cuts, leadership development etc. CEOs across industries and geographies view maximizing the productivity of their current leaders and developing the next generation of leaders as mission critical. A 2008 Consulting survey found that 56% of employers in the US are experiencing a leadership shortage that is impeding organization performance.
Companies realize that the present environment requires a unique leadership approach that is sharper and more focused. Today’s business environment compels organizations and individuals to be even more proactive and alert about organizational dilemmas such as cultural change, transitional challenges, resource rationalization, strategic growth or expenditure reallocation.
Importance of leadership
This is not the first time that the world has been gripped with a crisis. However, the question that arises is: How do you survive or come through such crisis? Undisputedly, such times reveal the desperate need for ‘leadership’.
In turbulent times, companies reconcile their need to develop leaders while still managing costs and ensuring a return on investment through Coaching. Many of the world’s most admired corporations from GE to Goldman Sachs invest in coaching with annual spend going up to US$1billion. Recent study of Executive Coaching in a Fortune 500 firm by Metrix Global reported 529% return on investment and according to a global leadership development survey, 86 % of companies said they used coaching to sharpen skills of managers who were identified as future leaders (Harvard Business Review). The Hay Group study of Fortune 500 companies found that 25-40% of corporations use Executive Coaching.
Effectiveness of coaching
One-on-one executive coaching provides:
• Focused approach to harnessing the true potential of the executive;
• Achievement of clearly defined measurable objectives that are collectively agreed between the organization, the leader being coached, and the coach;
• Observable behavioral change and business impact within a defined time frame.
Let’s take a look at how coaching can benefit your next generation of leaders; leaders you are bringing into your organization from the outside; and current leaders who need to up their game to meet new strategic and global challenges.
Engaging with a coach triggers a paradigm shift in perspectives and perceived ‘barriers’ are identified. With a clear purpose, coaching is most effective for executives who are willing to invest in their growth and review their behavior for the long term success of the organization.
Coaching is developmental not corrective
The successful executives too can be coached. A professional who looks into your practice and skills from the outside can often guide you to higher levels. It is lonely at the top. Leadership position by its very nature often isolates the entrepreneur or CEO and he often finds himself unable to brainstorm his business strategy with colleagues. Certain business decisions may appear “high risk” at that moment in time. It also requires tremendous courage and clarity of thought to actually implement the “non-popular” decisions. A sense of denial may creep in, in the face of adversity. A coach is able to support the top management to keep their eye on the vision and chart out a new course of action.
In situations of high pressure where there is sudden loss of clarity of thought, a coach may be able to reconnect the individual with the reality. Alternatively, a coach could work with affected people to recreate their life by looking for innovative opportunities. Also, in difficult times, de-motivated leaders are unable to motivate their team to perform effectively and creatively. Executive coaching provides support to the leaders in these stressful times to create motivated and inspired teams for the future.
Faces of global economies have changed ever since 2008 when the “sub-prime crisis” unfolded. The impact of the financial crisis has been far-reaching and has shaken the foundation of many businesses. People are feeling exposed, vulnerable and directionless due to the stresses of loss of opportunities, employment, housing and financial worth.
This global economic meltdown has required many companies to redraw their plans for the future in terms of merger or acquisition plans, strategy changes, cost cuts, leadership development etc. CEOs across industries and geographies view maximizing the productivity of their current leaders and developing the next generation of leaders as mission critical. A 2008 Consulting survey found that 56% of employers in the US are experiencing a leadership shortage that is impeding organization performance.
Companies realize that the present environment requires a unique leadership approach that is sharper and more focused. Today’s business environment compels organizations and individuals to be even more proactive and alert about organizational dilemmas such as cultural change, transitional challenges, resource rationalization, strategic growth or expenditure reallocation.
Importance of leadership
This is not the first time that the world has been gripped with a crisis. However, the question that arises is: How do you survive or come through such crisis? Undisputedly, such times reveal the desperate need for ‘leadership’.
In turbulent times, companies reconcile their need to develop leaders while still managing costs and ensuring a return on investment through Coaching. Many of the world’s most admired corporations from GE to Goldman Sachs invest in coaching with annual spend going up to US$1billion. Recent study of Executive Coaching in a Fortune 500 firm by Metrix Global reported 529% return on investment and according to a global leadership development survey, 86 % of companies said they used coaching to sharpen skills of managers who were identified as future leaders (Harvard Business Review). The Hay Group study of Fortune 500 companies found that 25-40% of corporations use Executive Coaching.
Effectiveness of coaching
One-on-one executive coaching provides:
• Focused approach to harnessing the true potential of the executive;
• Achievement of clearly defined measurable objectives that are collectively agreed between the organization, the leader being coached, and the coach;
• Observable behavioral change and business impact within a defined time frame.
Let’s take a look at how coaching can benefit your next generation of leaders; leaders you are bringing into your organization from the outside; and current leaders who need to up their game to meet new strategic and global challenges.
Engaging with a coach triggers a paradigm shift in perspectives and perceived ‘barriers’ are identified. With a clear purpose, coaching is most effective for executives who are willing to invest in their growth and review their behavior for the long term success of the organization.
Coaching is developmental not corrective
The successful executives too can be coached. A professional who looks into your practice and skills from the outside can often guide you to higher levels. It is lonely at the top. Leadership position by its very nature often isolates the entrepreneur or CEO and he often finds himself unable to brainstorm his business strategy with colleagues. Certain business decisions may appear “high risk” at that moment in time. It also requires tremendous courage and clarity of thought to actually implement the “non-popular” decisions. A sense of denial may creep in, in the face of adversity. A coach is able to support the top management to keep their eye on the vision and chart out a new course of action.
In situations of high pressure where there is sudden loss of clarity of thought, a coach may be able to reconnect the individual with the reality. Alternatively, a coach could work with affected people to recreate their life by looking for innovative opportunities. Also, in difficult times, de-motivated leaders are unable to motivate their team to perform effectively and creatively. Executive coaching provides support to the leaders in these stressful times to create motivated and inspired teams for the future.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
