Listen to the Language of the Heart

Listen to the Language of the heart

“The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished,” George Bernard Shaw.
‘Ineffective communication’ is the most common coaching issues that I deal with in my interaction with executives. During the course of coaching a group of senior executives, the biggest gap that I observed was the “lack of open communication”. The CEO expected his team to be aligned with the strategy and reasons thereof. The team thought they had understood it right and saw no reason to seek clarifications. Sadly, neither took the initiative to “ask”. What held them back were not their intentions because obviously each one wanted to perform and succeed but “assumptions”.
Communication is not just the ability to speak in a dialect or language. It involves the flow of information, ideas, concepts, thoughts from one person to another. However simple it may seem, yet sometimes one lifetime is not enough to master this skill. All relationships hinge on our ability to say the right words at the right time.

“Wisdom is not in words; Wisdom is meaning within words”, said Khalil Gibran.
Our language alters as and when we feel sad or happy. Our tone is loud and words harsh when we are angry or frustrated, our tone is weak and words unclear when we are scared or under confident. Hence, it is our thoughts that dominate our words and expressions. To understand the true meaning of what is being said, it is essential to focus on the underlying emotions rather than just the words.
We all have an in-built system or antenna to perceive and interpret information, commonly known as the mind. This perception mechanism or filter is further influenced by factors such as environment, country, culture, family background, schooling, etc. A combination of the perception mechanism and external influences contribute to shaping the personality of an individual.
Our thoughts arise from our ‘perception filter’ and hence any communication sent or received, is colored by this filter. For instance, a senior executive who had progressed over the years with technical expertise was not always clear with instructions or deadlines for the work to be done by his subordinates. Consequently, there was often a scramble at the last minute and the executive had to dive in to manage the quality. Once the executive became aware about this omission, there was significant change in style of delegation and time management making it easier for the team as a whole.
I have also observed that in some traditional Indian business families, the entrepreneur who has established the business may have a need to be in control and have a sense of superiority. The need to be right, be “ME” and in control – in short, here the ego, controls or blocks communication. Consequently, people with an abundance of experience and knowledge have a tendency to download information and present possible solutions. How can the next level develop freely and present new ideas unless they are given an opportunity to explore freely?
At the managerial level, most often it is taken for granted that senior executives should naturally know all about communicating with their teams. Communication skills are rarely one of the key competencies that is taught or measured by organizations. In the course of our regular lives, a lot of time and energy is consumed on either explaining, justifying, clarifying, repeating or cleaning up the words uttered.
What is it that repeatedly causes this mess in our life? Are our intentions misplaced, or are we simply careless and ignorant? Awareness of behavior is critical to open new pathways for effective communication. Every person is desirous of getting ahead in life and above all wants to be understood. Some just don’t know the “how”.
Did you know that we speak 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but can listen intelligently nearly 600 to 800 WPM. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone. Whilst listening, we pre-judge and conclude the meaning of the words spoken or we interrupt before a person completes his sentence or our prejudices about a person or situation, our fears about the others and self interferes and the verdict is announced.

The emotional need for ‘preserving’ our image in the world creates the barrier in our communication – the need to feel important, to prove ourselves, to be right, to be acknowledged, to tell, to share or unload our worries, to feel powerful and in control. These needs dominate the communication and we are unable to “Just Be” with another person or ‘enter the other person’s world’.

What we truly require is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc. It requires that a person attentively listens to the words as well as the feelings of the other to gain an understanding. The listener needs to keep his ego, fears, biases aside and just listen. It is no doubt difficult since our mind is always so cluttered but through effort and discipline one can make an effort to be quiet while listening and speak only if necessary. Strangely, people often speak as if there is a compulsive need to respond. Many a times another person is simply desirous of sharing and is not looking for advice, opinions or solutions. After all, God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. When we go against nature’s principle, we suffer.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”