Emotional Control
There is a constant battle of internal emotions that we experience and it is this war of emotions that has been compared with a battle field in the Mahabharata. We all have a Mahabharata raging in our hearts most of our waking hours.
We all are born with a multitude of emotions like laughter, sorrow, grief, jealousy, anger, ambition and above all, a need for love and peace. However, a need to survive in this world of 7 billion, gives rise to feelings such as competition, envy and jealousy. The Kuravas and Pandavas begin to play their drama in our heart – the jealousy and envy battle against the need for love and peace. Who will win depends upon the courage you have to look inward and understand your personal Kuravas (demons) and vanquish them one by one.
Organizations often conduct team building exercises. This need arises either due to competition and comparison at peer level or lack of open communication or simply because people maybe from diverse cultures. Most inter-personal issues arise at peer level because of jealousy, envy, comparison. Desire to work collaboratively and for organizational goals are often usurped by a desire for individual goals and gains. In this desire to get ahead, who wins – actually no one! That’s the irony of the whole situation. Each team member believes he is getting ahead of the other, albeit temporarily, but this happens at the cost of the organization as well as the true potential of the executive. The executives are motivated by their individual need for power, wealth or recognition and they compromise their personal as well as organizational need for growth.
Now, let me clarify, the executives do not behave competitively on purpose. It has become part of their DNA and hence they don’t know any different or better. We perceive the world as a jungle, an animal kingdom rather than a land of human beings. We grow up to believe that we have to over power other people to survive.
As a new born child we learn this because we start with controlling our parents. Each time a child cries, the parents jump to attend to the child and this belief gets reinforced. The same gets tried amongst siblings and friends. The aggressive ones try their luck with the quieter ones and the game continues. From days of schooling children are taught to compete with their peers, not share notes, withhold information – anything that may keep them ahead in the game. A student is rarely taught to have faith in his own abilities and work from there. There is no subject that teaches you how to tap into your inherent potential and the leader within. Each one of us has a leader inside of ourselves and each one of us is gifted with a unique skill. Since we remain ignorant of its existence, our survival instinct kicks in and we behave against our inherent nature of contribution and growth.
Now, let’s pause and ask ourselves, can we control the external world. Actually, this is the ego speaking. Each time we feel out of control, we start looking for ways to control the external world. We expend tremendous energy looking for ways to maneuver everything and everyone. We spend our lives with this veil of ignorance and get blinded to such an extent that we end up damaging ourselves and the people around us. What’s worse - we don’t stop there – we expend a lifetime blaming the world for our pain and anguish. We write our life story and the underlying theme of “life’s unfair” keeps repeating itself in different shades and shapes ie with different people and in different places, yet we don’t learn.
How can we break out of this vicious cycle and self imposed trauma?
My coach often calls me “video on demand”. It took me few years and many knocks to understand this phrase. Pain is a part of life, however, suffering is optional. All of us experience pain when there is a loss of anything of value to us. We can choose how long we suffer for this loss. The ability to exercise this option lies within us.
I was taught that the way to success was to get committed to a goal and pursue the same. We don’t even realize when this commitment converts to attachment. I was not aware of this thin line. It is this attachment to win, to succeed, to control the outcome that creates the emotional drama of suffering.
I didn’t even know I was playing a drama. I was simply living like everyone - feeling pain, happiness, working hard for success and blaming the failure on circumstances or sometimes getting all too emotional and thinking that I don’t have the ability to achieve.
I can appreciate if a child feels that way. But for an adult to think like that is a colossal waste of human life. We are gifted with treasures like courage, perseverance, determination, generosity, humor, compassion and love. Do we truly use these gifts – they often lie buried like treasure in an ocean. Our emotions of fear, jealousy, incompetence, helplessness create barriers to reaching within and tapping into this wealth. We instead play games of power and combat with each other using weapons of wealth, position and even love in relationships, to get an upper hand. Do you ever win! Look within – you lose far more than you started out with. Above all, you lose yourself!
“Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it… that is the quickest and surest way ever yet discovered to conquer fear,” Dale Carnegie
I too have been a victim of my own emotions. All is not lost. I am one of the fortunate few who have been shown that there is a way out of this everyday pain and that life can actually be lived effortlessly. Like any other aspect of life, success comes with effort and commitment to a goal.
Few years ago, I committed to having a life of contentment and peace. Phew, heavy words. We are conditioned to believe that this is available only for saints and like, not commoners. I remember I was happy child, full of fun, laughter, content with my family and life. Where had that person disappeared? I had grown into a cynical adult with a judgmental mind. Everyone was full of faults, including myself.
I cannot even remember what triggered me to start introspecting about my relationships – friends and family. I started asking myself who are my friends and who are my acquaintances. It may sound harsh and cruel, but actually it’s phenomenal once you start getting clarity because it realigns your expectations. To get this clarity I had to ask myself why the relationships were at different levels. It was not always about them, it was mostly about me – I had made the choice not to get too friendly with some people or behave in a certain way, sometimes inadvertently and sometimes not. Now that meant taking responsibility for the status of my life.
I found myself gradually going onto a journey of self reflection. I did not expect to find so much dirt – I too have lived my life in fear of losing and have been competitive, aggressive, manipulative and adopted unfair means to stay above and in control. Was it intentional? Yes - to survive, No - because I didn’t know any better or different.
That’s the fun of life – growth and self discovery. If there is one thing that binds us all, are emotions and thoughts. Life can be lived effortlessly. Life can be enjoyed. It requires surrender to action without a constant need to being in control of the outcome. The ultimate reality is that something once lost, cannot be regained in the same shape and form. Its past, its historic. Now that requires the courage to accept that I am human and it is beyond my control to get it back. So let go! Oops, now that’s not what I was taught from birth. I was taught to work hard to succeed and constantly look for solutions. I discovered over the years, anyway the outcome was not in my hands, because future is uncertain and a factor of multiple aspects which remain unknown. I was better of doing my best (in relation to others) and learning to control my video on demand than constantly trying to control the unknown. This answer is not new - its been written and rewritten in all our scriptures and self help books. Its been tried and tested over centuries. Yet, this knowledge has become uncommon in practice and that is the reason the level of suffering has increased in the world.
“A man who is a master of himself can end sorrow as easily as he can invent pleasure. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them,” said Oscar Wilde
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Patience
Patience
I was reading an article in a magazine, Scientific American on evolution of man. According to fossil records, finger nails evolved 54 million years ago (“mya”), thumb 25 mya, upright pelvis and knee appeared more than 3.5mya and the brain ballooned in size only between 1-2mya.
I was amazed to read these facts and what suddenly dawned on me was that it took the Creator many million years to get this current construct of man as we see today. He too went through several trails and errors and changed the model as time went along. Man did not evolve over night or in a matter of just few days. It took several years of patience and effort and above all learning to get here.
In our day to day life, we want everything completed to perfection – now or rather as of yesterday. In the corporate world, there is a classic expectation -- whenever you inquire about the deadline on any assignment; it is invariably as of yesterday. This of course means constant stress to meet a deadline. No doubt it pushes your limits and testes your potential to tolerate pressure. However, the level of agitation in the environment is also rather high and so is the cost to the health of the individual.
People want to grow over night into mammoth conglomerates. Entrepreneurs’ push themselves against time barriers to give shape to their dream. However, has anyone considered what it does to the efficiency and creativity of the people? You can of course churn out items of mass production but can you really be as creative if you are constantly working against time.
What I see today is this Rush to get here, get there, finish this or that. Even on the roads the horns are blaring because no one wants to wait for another or give right of way. It’s a Race!
The biggest fairness of life is that everyone has been given 24 hours in a day. It’s up to us what we do with those hours and that’s what makes all the difference. Some use their time effectively and productively, whereas others fritter this precious commodity. “Time and tide wait for no man.” Time never goes backwards. Time does not wait for anyone, time does not distinguish between one person and another and you cannot move it faster or slower.
When my boys were infants, they both got their first tooth close to the age of one year. As a new anxious mother, I would visit websites, call the pediatrician, check their mouths regularly. One day the doctor simply responded if I had ever seen any child who didn’t finally get his teeth. I just had to patient.
Just like we have to give time for nature to take its own course, similarly in other matters of life also we need to sometime give time for things to unravel. If everything was always known, would you truly enjoy life?
I was reading an article in a magazine, Scientific American on evolution of man. According to fossil records, finger nails evolved 54 million years ago (“mya”), thumb 25 mya, upright pelvis and knee appeared more than 3.5mya and the brain ballooned in size only between 1-2mya.
I was amazed to read these facts and what suddenly dawned on me was that it took the Creator many million years to get this current construct of man as we see today. He too went through several trails and errors and changed the model as time went along. Man did not evolve over night or in a matter of just few days. It took several years of patience and effort and above all learning to get here.
In our day to day life, we want everything completed to perfection – now or rather as of yesterday. In the corporate world, there is a classic expectation -- whenever you inquire about the deadline on any assignment; it is invariably as of yesterday. This of course means constant stress to meet a deadline. No doubt it pushes your limits and testes your potential to tolerate pressure. However, the level of agitation in the environment is also rather high and so is the cost to the health of the individual.
People want to grow over night into mammoth conglomerates. Entrepreneurs’ push themselves against time barriers to give shape to their dream. However, has anyone considered what it does to the efficiency and creativity of the people? You can of course churn out items of mass production but can you really be as creative if you are constantly working against time.
What I see today is this Rush to get here, get there, finish this or that. Even on the roads the horns are blaring because no one wants to wait for another or give right of way. It’s a Race!
The biggest fairness of life is that everyone has been given 24 hours in a day. It’s up to us what we do with those hours and that’s what makes all the difference. Some use their time effectively and productively, whereas others fritter this precious commodity. “Time and tide wait for no man.” Time never goes backwards. Time does not wait for anyone, time does not distinguish between one person and another and you cannot move it faster or slower.
When my boys were infants, they both got their first tooth close to the age of one year. As a new anxious mother, I would visit websites, call the pediatrician, check their mouths regularly. One day the doctor simply responded if I had ever seen any child who didn’t finally get his teeth. I just had to patient.
Just like we have to give time for nature to take its own course, similarly in other matters of life also we need to sometime give time for things to unravel. If everything was always known, would you truly enjoy life?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Control your thoughts
Control
There are often news items about drunken driving and the police are always attempting to remind people not to drink and drive. They use advertisements or sudden checks and even imprisonment to reinforce the danger of the same. Yet there are enough incidents of felony. We live our life the same way – like drivers in a drunken stupor.
Centuries ago through the form of mythological stories, fables and religious scriptures, the way to living a powerful life have been enumerated. We continue to ignore the warnings and increase our suffering. When you learn how to drive a car, you are cautious and allow the instructor to guide you. However, when you receive a driving license, gradually you forget some of the rules and you feel that now you can drive with your own rules. Some drive in the fast lane and may meet with an accident, whereas another may drive in the slow lane and suffer the blares of the horns. Keeping to the middle lane or a path of moderation is the toughest discipline.
Another analogy is that driving requires tremendous dexterity. You cannot control how the others will drive around you or who will suddenly cut your lane or apply the brakes in front of you. You can only ensure that you stay alert and in control of your vehicle rather than expect everyone to watch out. Similarly in life, you cannot control your circumstances but only discipline the mind yourself to stay in control of your reactions to the same.
For instance, you cannot choose your parents or your surroundings. What you can however be in control of is what values you imbibe from them and your surroundings. India is a country that where dual perspectives co-exist at every turning – you see slums along with sky rises, beggars next to posh cars, designer stores and the small grocery stores. You can either focus at the discrimination or the lack of development or the level of progress or above all, have gratitude for what you have. It is this choice of perspective that is entirely in our hands.
We exercise choices at every moment of our life - to eat or fast, to work or not, to marry or stay single. All these choices are with us and we act upon them on the basis of our beliefs, interpretations of possibilities of life, family influences and so on. However, what we commonly forget is that firstly, we made that choice and also every choice comes with a price attached to it.
When we choose to get educated, it requires the discipline of doing homework, studying for exams and following the rules of the institution. School is no doubt fun because you get an opportunity to make friends, explore your potential, learn different subjects and follow your passions. In this excitement of meeting friends and playing, a student sometimes forgets the other norms and each time a disciplinary action is taken, there is a sense of disappointment and sadness. I know its boring to be disciplined everyday and sometimes you feel like being inconsistent on your routine, however, the consequences of the inconsistency are also yours.
Any action goes hand in hand with responsibility of choice and consequences. The severity of the consequences often goes with the level or frequency of inconsistency. You can choose to stay healthy by observing care in what you eat or simply decide to enjoy the food and then fight the battle of the bulge.
A very common scenario that is even played out in TV serials is the relationship between a mother in law and daughter in law. There seems to be a preconceived notion that this relationship will not be normal. Every statement or remark uttered by either party is blown out of proportion and then starts the vicious cycle of control over the house, the poor husband/son and finances. Even if you are in control over the house or so on, are you truly in control of yourself. Obviously not, that is why there is a desperate need to hang onto external factors.
Now comes the big Question – how can I be in control of my life? As mentioned above, a student needs to abide to some rules to achieve the aspired grades or a person needs to follow a certain regime of food and exercise to maintain a healthy body. Similarly, there is process for feeling in control of your circumstances rather than being controlled by them.
Every aspect of life whether it s school, job or relationship has a certain set of rules that are predefined. If you channelize all your energies into anything that you want to accomplish (i.e. 100%) and do not discount your efforts with emotions such as a need for acknowledgement or approval, fears, ego, sense of righteousness or need to succeed, then the result achieved is remarkably different.
Of course, even if you give a relationship or work your 100%, sometimes you may not get the desired outcome because there are so many unknowns at the other end – another person’s needs, expectations, fears, motivating factors, personal biases etc. Here frustration tends to creep in because then you are trying to control how others should behave, react or respond rather than yourself. Now, that’s the ego speaking, where we try to fool ourselves that we can control or change others. You can attempt to influence only.
Till my governing thought process was – work is a challenge (because of any of the above impending emotions), it always appeared difficult, strenuous and demanding and above all, a drain on my energies. Over the years, I have changed the definition of work to - learning through processes such as marketing, delivering, success, failure. Now I actually enjoy the pursuit because at every step I learn and grow, there is self development. My work has not changed and neither has my market, all that has changed is my choice of perspective.
Oscar Wilde believed, “A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
If you look at how a sail boat learns to adapt to the waves of the ocean, yet staying in control of its direction and destination. The sailboat knows that it has to befriend the moods of the wind and the water. It does not fight them but accepts them. It experiences a sense of freedom and space in the vastness of the ocean and it also realizes its insignificance in comparison. Be like a sail boat in your life and teach yourself to dance gracefully to the ups and downs of life.
There are often news items about drunken driving and the police are always attempting to remind people not to drink and drive. They use advertisements or sudden checks and even imprisonment to reinforce the danger of the same. Yet there are enough incidents of felony. We live our life the same way – like drivers in a drunken stupor.
Centuries ago through the form of mythological stories, fables and religious scriptures, the way to living a powerful life have been enumerated. We continue to ignore the warnings and increase our suffering. When you learn how to drive a car, you are cautious and allow the instructor to guide you. However, when you receive a driving license, gradually you forget some of the rules and you feel that now you can drive with your own rules. Some drive in the fast lane and may meet with an accident, whereas another may drive in the slow lane and suffer the blares of the horns. Keeping to the middle lane or a path of moderation is the toughest discipline.
Another analogy is that driving requires tremendous dexterity. You cannot control how the others will drive around you or who will suddenly cut your lane or apply the brakes in front of you. You can only ensure that you stay alert and in control of your vehicle rather than expect everyone to watch out. Similarly in life, you cannot control your circumstances but only discipline the mind yourself to stay in control of your reactions to the same.
For instance, you cannot choose your parents or your surroundings. What you can however be in control of is what values you imbibe from them and your surroundings. India is a country that where dual perspectives co-exist at every turning – you see slums along with sky rises, beggars next to posh cars, designer stores and the small grocery stores. You can either focus at the discrimination or the lack of development or the level of progress or above all, have gratitude for what you have. It is this choice of perspective that is entirely in our hands.
We exercise choices at every moment of our life - to eat or fast, to work or not, to marry or stay single. All these choices are with us and we act upon them on the basis of our beliefs, interpretations of possibilities of life, family influences and so on. However, what we commonly forget is that firstly, we made that choice and also every choice comes with a price attached to it.
When we choose to get educated, it requires the discipline of doing homework, studying for exams and following the rules of the institution. School is no doubt fun because you get an opportunity to make friends, explore your potential, learn different subjects and follow your passions. In this excitement of meeting friends and playing, a student sometimes forgets the other norms and each time a disciplinary action is taken, there is a sense of disappointment and sadness. I know its boring to be disciplined everyday and sometimes you feel like being inconsistent on your routine, however, the consequences of the inconsistency are also yours.
Any action goes hand in hand with responsibility of choice and consequences. The severity of the consequences often goes with the level or frequency of inconsistency. You can choose to stay healthy by observing care in what you eat or simply decide to enjoy the food and then fight the battle of the bulge.
A very common scenario that is even played out in TV serials is the relationship between a mother in law and daughter in law. There seems to be a preconceived notion that this relationship will not be normal. Every statement or remark uttered by either party is blown out of proportion and then starts the vicious cycle of control over the house, the poor husband/son and finances. Even if you are in control over the house or so on, are you truly in control of yourself. Obviously not, that is why there is a desperate need to hang onto external factors.
Now comes the big Question – how can I be in control of my life? As mentioned above, a student needs to abide to some rules to achieve the aspired grades or a person needs to follow a certain regime of food and exercise to maintain a healthy body. Similarly, there is process for feeling in control of your circumstances rather than being controlled by them.
Every aspect of life whether it s school, job or relationship has a certain set of rules that are predefined. If you channelize all your energies into anything that you want to accomplish (i.e. 100%) and do not discount your efforts with emotions such as a need for acknowledgement or approval, fears, ego, sense of righteousness or need to succeed, then the result achieved is remarkably different.
Of course, even if you give a relationship or work your 100%, sometimes you may not get the desired outcome because there are so many unknowns at the other end – another person’s needs, expectations, fears, motivating factors, personal biases etc. Here frustration tends to creep in because then you are trying to control how others should behave, react or respond rather than yourself. Now, that’s the ego speaking, where we try to fool ourselves that we can control or change others. You can attempt to influence only.
Till my governing thought process was – work is a challenge (because of any of the above impending emotions), it always appeared difficult, strenuous and demanding and above all, a drain on my energies. Over the years, I have changed the definition of work to - learning through processes such as marketing, delivering, success, failure. Now I actually enjoy the pursuit because at every step I learn and grow, there is self development. My work has not changed and neither has my market, all that has changed is my choice of perspective.
Oscar Wilde believed, “A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
If you look at how a sail boat learns to adapt to the waves of the ocean, yet staying in control of its direction and destination. The sailboat knows that it has to befriend the moods of the wind and the water. It does not fight them but accepts them. It experiences a sense of freedom and space in the vastness of the ocean and it also realizes its insignificance in comparison. Be like a sail boat in your life and teach yourself to dance gracefully to the ups and downs of life.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
We all perceive events differently. There is an inbuilt mechanism that makes us “perceive” differently. When a person walks into a room, we make a quick assessment of the person. We assess the person based on clothes, style of walking, facial expressions, smile etc. A verdict is formed on whether the person is arrogant, smart, quiet, jovial or even worth talking to. A relationship is immediately formed based on these perceptions or first impressions. For instance, I may get along with someone fabulously, while you may not even be able to tolerate that person. What makes each one of see the same person differently? – “Perception”
Perception is our sensory experience of the world around us and involves both the recognition of environmental stimuli and actions in response to these stimuli. Through the perceptual process, we gain information about the environment. Perception not only creates our experience of the world around us; it allows us to act within our environment.
The world is full of stimuli that can attract our attention through various senses. We may use visual, auditory or other senses to gather information and react towards our environment. Our minds are designed to absorb information using our senses in different proportions. Some use their visual senses more powerfully whereas another may use auditory senses more comfortably. Our perceptions enable us to gather and impart knowledge and innovate and create.
"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,” was written by Gertrude Stein as part of the 1913 poem Sacred Emily. This has often been interpreted as meaning "things are what they are." In Stein's view, the sentence expresses the fact that simply using the name of a thing already invokes the imagery and emotions associated with it. Rose is associated with many descriptions – romantic, beautiful, sacred, fragrant, colorful, thorny and so on. However, that “rose” still remains a “rose”.
What this goes to show is that each one of us perceives an image, event, words, actions differently and react from thereon. The event does not change; it’s our individual interpretation that gives meaning to an event. A common situation is seen that parents are often fearful of sending their children out alone and may insist on sending a driver or maid along. The child may perceive this act of protectiveness as stifling and curbing on the independence or even lack of trust. Here is where trouble starts – each one insists on their point of view and believes the other to be wrong.
Who is right? Actually, both are right, if you look at it dispassionately from their individual perspectives. Then how do you break a deadlock?
We often forget to look at another person’s perspective because our mind gets tuned to thinking in one way - “Tunneled”. We often forget to think outside this self created tunnel and live our life along this pathway. This is where misunderstandings creep into relationships.
Now sit back and think. Did you convey your “expectations”? Were your expectations fair and appropriate i.e. was the person capable of meeting them and did he even understand your expectations or their consequences? We often take all this for granted and then there is mayhem. Most of us just “assume” that it’s “understood”.
I for one, do not like to get into trouble willfully and I am quite certain neither do others. We act from our perception (and to the best of our intention) and then, wham, we get into trouble. The mind asks, Hey! What happened? I only did or said what I thought was right or I only reacted to your statements. Sadly, often these events and interpretations get etched in our mind, with little room for benefit of doubt.
“When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stringer than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free,” remarked author Catherine Ponder.
South African President, Mr Nelson Mandela forgave his prisoners upon being released because he made a choice – after having gained physical freedom, he did not want to live in an emotional prison of hatred. His act of forgiveness was more towards freeing himself and being I control of his emotions. This gave him immense courage and strength to continue on his fight against apartheid. Mr Mandela did not waste his internal energy or thoughts by harboring negative sentiments towards his prisoners. Instead, he channelized that energy towards constructing a new future for his people.
Why is it so difficult for us to forgive? Are we sadists that we keep hurting ourselves with memories of words, actions, images. When we do not forgive someone, we are able to live in this feeling of righteousness. (It is one thing to fight a war of Independence for a country, it is yet another to throw bombs on innocent people as a terrorist.) You are able to validate your reaction and thought process. Yeah! I am right! Ok, you were right, but what next. Are you going to live the rest of your life trying to prove that you were right and the other person (or the world) was wrong?
How often do we give the benefit of doubt or even willing to consider that we need to take the responsibility for the reaction? Or how often do we look and think that I may genuinely have made an error of judgment. We swing from blaming others or calling ourselves a failure.
The whole process of being wrong or right starts because firstly there is an expectation of being perfect or a certain way. Always remember, you are first and foremost a human being and living this life for the first time and therefore – “To err is Human, to forgive is divine.” If you were born with the knowledge of how to live, what would there be left to learn. Rather boring!
Forgiveness is a balm for the soul but a thorn for the pride! We get stuck in the chains of interpretations and limit our freedom. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner is you,” said renowned theologian Lewis B Smedes
We all perceive events differently. There is an inbuilt mechanism that makes us “perceive” differently. When a person walks into a room, we make a quick assessment of the person. We assess the person based on clothes, style of walking, facial expressions, smile etc. A verdict is formed on whether the person is arrogant, smart, quiet, jovial or even worth talking to. A relationship is immediately formed based on these perceptions or first impressions. For instance, I may get along with someone fabulously, while you may not even be able to tolerate that person. What makes each one of see the same person differently? – “Perception”
Perception is our sensory experience of the world around us and involves both the recognition of environmental stimuli and actions in response to these stimuli. Through the perceptual process, we gain information about the environment. Perception not only creates our experience of the world around us; it allows us to act within our environment.
The world is full of stimuli that can attract our attention through various senses. We may use visual, auditory or other senses to gather information and react towards our environment. Our minds are designed to absorb information using our senses in different proportions. Some use their visual senses more powerfully whereas another may use auditory senses more comfortably. Our perceptions enable us to gather and impart knowledge and innovate and create.
"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,” was written by Gertrude Stein as part of the 1913 poem Sacred Emily. This has often been interpreted as meaning "things are what they are." In Stein's view, the sentence expresses the fact that simply using the name of a thing already invokes the imagery and emotions associated with it. Rose is associated with many descriptions – romantic, beautiful, sacred, fragrant, colorful, thorny and so on. However, that “rose” still remains a “rose”.
What this goes to show is that each one of us perceives an image, event, words, actions differently and react from thereon. The event does not change; it’s our individual interpretation that gives meaning to an event. A common situation is seen that parents are often fearful of sending their children out alone and may insist on sending a driver or maid along. The child may perceive this act of protectiveness as stifling and curbing on the independence or even lack of trust. Here is where trouble starts – each one insists on their point of view and believes the other to be wrong.
Who is right? Actually, both are right, if you look at it dispassionately from their individual perspectives. Then how do you break a deadlock?
We often forget to look at another person’s perspective because our mind gets tuned to thinking in one way - “Tunneled”. We often forget to think outside this self created tunnel and live our life along this pathway. This is where misunderstandings creep into relationships.
Now sit back and think. Did you convey your “expectations”? Were your expectations fair and appropriate i.e. was the person capable of meeting them and did he even understand your expectations or their consequences? We often take all this for granted and then there is mayhem. Most of us just “assume” that it’s “understood”.
I for one, do not like to get into trouble willfully and I am quite certain neither do others. We act from our perception (and to the best of our intention) and then, wham, we get into trouble. The mind asks, Hey! What happened? I only did or said what I thought was right or I only reacted to your statements. Sadly, often these events and interpretations get etched in our mind, with little room for benefit of doubt.
“When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stringer than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free,” remarked author Catherine Ponder.
South African President, Mr Nelson Mandela forgave his prisoners upon being released because he made a choice – after having gained physical freedom, he did not want to live in an emotional prison of hatred. His act of forgiveness was more towards freeing himself and being I control of his emotions. This gave him immense courage and strength to continue on his fight against apartheid. Mr Mandela did not waste his internal energy or thoughts by harboring negative sentiments towards his prisoners. Instead, he channelized that energy towards constructing a new future for his people.
Why is it so difficult for us to forgive? Are we sadists that we keep hurting ourselves with memories of words, actions, images. When we do not forgive someone, we are able to live in this feeling of righteousness. (It is one thing to fight a war of Independence for a country, it is yet another to throw bombs on innocent people as a terrorist.) You are able to validate your reaction and thought process. Yeah! I am right! Ok, you were right, but what next. Are you going to live the rest of your life trying to prove that you were right and the other person (or the world) was wrong?
How often do we give the benefit of doubt or even willing to consider that we need to take the responsibility for the reaction? Or how often do we look and think that I may genuinely have made an error of judgment. We swing from blaming others or calling ourselves a failure.
The whole process of being wrong or right starts because firstly there is an expectation of being perfect or a certain way. Always remember, you are first and foremost a human being and living this life for the first time and therefore – “To err is Human, to forgive is divine.” If you were born with the knowledge of how to live, what would there be left to learn. Rather boring!
Forgiveness is a balm for the soul but a thorn for the pride! We get stuck in the chains of interpretations and limit our freedom. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner is you,” said renowned theologian Lewis B Smedes
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Listen to the Language of the Heart
Listen to the Language of the heart
“The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished,” George Bernard Shaw.
‘Ineffective communication’ is the most common coaching issues that I deal with in my interaction with executives. During the course of coaching a group of senior executives, the biggest gap that I observed was the “lack of open communication”. The CEO expected his team to be aligned with the strategy and reasons thereof. The team thought they had understood it right and saw no reason to seek clarifications. Sadly, neither took the initiative to “ask”. What held them back were not their intentions because obviously each one wanted to perform and succeed but “assumptions”.
Communication is not just the ability to speak in a dialect or language. It involves the flow of information, ideas, concepts, thoughts from one person to another. However simple it may seem, yet sometimes one lifetime is not enough to master this skill. All relationships hinge on our ability to say the right words at the right time.
“Wisdom is not in words; Wisdom is meaning within words”, said Khalil Gibran.
Our language alters as and when we feel sad or happy. Our tone is loud and words harsh when we are angry or frustrated, our tone is weak and words unclear when we are scared or under confident. Hence, it is our thoughts that dominate our words and expressions. To understand the true meaning of what is being said, it is essential to focus on the underlying emotions rather than just the words.
We all have an in-built system or antenna to perceive and interpret information, commonly known as the mind. This perception mechanism or filter is further influenced by factors such as environment, country, culture, family background, schooling, etc. A combination of the perception mechanism and external influences contribute to shaping the personality of an individual.
Our thoughts arise from our ‘perception filter’ and hence any communication sent or received, is colored by this filter. For instance, a senior executive who had progressed over the years with technical expertise was not always clear with instructions or deadlines for the work to be done by his subordinates. Consequently, there was often a scramble at the last minute and the executive had to dive in to manage the quality. Once the executive became aware about this omission, there was significant change in style of delegation and time management making it easier for the team as a whole.
I have also observed that in some traditional Indian business families, the entrepreneur who has established the business may have a need to be in control and have a sense of superiority. The need to be right, be “ME” and in control – in short, here the ego, controls or blocks communication. Consequently, people with an abundance of experience and knowledge have a tendency to download information and present possible solutions. How can the next level develop freely and present new ideas unless they are given an opportunity to explore freely?
At the managerial level, most often it is taken for granted that senior executives should naturally know all about communicating with their teams. Communication skills are rarely one of the key competencies that is taught or measured by organizations. In the course of our regular lives, a lot of time and energy is consumed on either explaining, justifying, clarifying, repeating or cleaning up the words uttered.
What is it that repeatedly causes this mess in our life? Are our intentions misplaced, or are we simply careless and ignorant? Awareness of behavior is critical to open new pathways for effective communication. Every person is desirous of getting ahead in life and above all wants to be understood. Some just don’t know the “how”.
Did you know that we speak 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but can listen intelligently nearly 600 to 800 WPM. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone. Whilst listening, we pre-judge and conclude the meaning of the words spoken or we interrupt before a person completes his sentence or our prejudices about a person or situation, our fears about the others and self interferes and the verdict is announced.
The emotional need for ‘preserving’ our image in the world creates the barrier in our communication – the need to feel important, to prove ourselves, to be right, to be acknowledged, to tell, to share or unload our worries, to feel powerful and in control. These needs dominate the communication and we are unable to “Just Be” with another person or ‘enter the other person’s world’.
What we truly require is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc. It requires that a person attentively listens to the words as well as the feelings of the other to gain an understanding. The listener needs to keep his ego, fears, biases aside and just listen. It is no doubt difficult since our mind is always so cluttered but through effort and discipline one can make an effort to be quiet while listening and speak only if necessary. Strangely, people often speak as if there is a compulsive need to respond. Many a times another person is simply desirous of sharing and is not looking for advice, opinions or solutions. After all, God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. When we go against nature’s principle, we suffer.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
“The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished,” George Bernard Shaw.
‘Ineffective communication’ is the most common coaching issues that I deal with in my interaction with executives. During the course of coaching a group of senior executives, the biggest gap that I observed was the “lack of open communication”. The CEO expected his team to be aligned with the strategy and reasons thereof. The team thought they had understood it right and saw no reason to seek clarifications. Sadly, neither took the initiative to “ask”. What held them back were not their intentions because obviously each one wanted to perform and succeed but “assumptions”.
Communication is not just the ability to speak in a dialect or language. It involves the flow of information, ideas, concepts, thoughts from one person to another. However simple it may seem, yet sometimes one lifetime is not enough to master this skill. All relationships hinge on our ability to say the right words at the right time.
“Wisdom is not in words; Wisdom is meaning within words”, said Khalil Gibran.
Our language alters as and when we feel sad or happy. Our tone is loud and words harsh when we are angry or frustrated, our tone is weak and words unclear when we are scared or under confident. Hence, it is our thoughts that dominate our words and expressions. To understand the true meaning of what is being said, it is essential to focus on the underlying emotions rather than just the words.
We all have an in-built system or antenna to perceive and interpret information, commonly known as the mind. This perception mechanism or filter is further influenced by factors such as environment, country, culture, family background, schooling, etc. A combination of the perception mechanism and external influences contribute to shaping the personality of an individual.
Our thoughts arise from our ‘perception filter’ and hence any communication sent or received, is colored by this filter. For instance, a senior executive who had progressed over the years with technical expertise was not always clear with instructions or deadlines for the work to be done by his subordinates. Consequently, there was often a scramble at the last minute and the executive had to dive in to manage the quality. Once the executive became aware about this omission, there was significant change in style of delegation and time management making it easier for the team as a whole.
I have also observed that in some traditional Indian business families, the entrepreneur who has established the business may have a need to be in control and have a sense of superiority. The need to be right, be “ME” and in control – in short, here the ego, controls or blocks communication. Consequently, people with an abundance of experience and knowledge have a tendency to download information and present possible solutions. How can the next level develop freely and present new ideas unless they are given an opportunity to explore freely?
At the managerial level, most often it is taken for granted that senior executives should naturally know all about communicating with their teams. Communication skills are rarely one of the key competencies that is taught or measured by organizations. In the course of our regular lives, a lot of time and energy is consumed on either explaining, justifying, clarifying, repeating or cleaning up the words uttered.
What is it that repeatedly causes this mess in our life? Are our intentions misplaced, or are we simply careless and ignorant? Awareness of behavior is critical to open new pathways for effective communication. Every person is desirous of getting ahead in life and above all wants to be understood. Some just don’t know the “how”.
Did you know that we speak 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but can listen intelligently nearly 600 to 800 WPM. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone. Whilst listening, we pre-judge and conclude the meaning of the words spoken or we interrupt before a person completes his sentence or our prejudices about a person or situation, our fears about the others and self interferes and the verdict is announced.
The emotional need for ‘preserving’ our image in the world creates the barrier in our communication – the need to feel important, to prove ourselves, to be right, to be acknowledged, to tell, to share or unload our worries, to feel powerful and in control. These needs dominate the communication and we are unable to “Just Be” with another person or ‘enter the other person’s world’.
What we truly require is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc. It requires that a person attentively listens to the words as well as the feelings of the other to gain an understanding. The listener needs to keep his ego, fears, biases aside and just listen. It is no doubt difficult since our mind is always so cluttered but through effort and discipline one can make an effort to be quiet while listening and speak only if necessary. Strangely, people often speak as if there is a compulsive need to respond. Many a times another person is simply desirous of sharing and is not looking for advice, opinions or solutions. After all, God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. When we go against nature’s principle, we suffer.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Abundance in life
Abundance
Couple years ago, I was flying over the grasslands of Africa and I observed vast spaces of grasslands, open and unoccupied. There were animals grazing around and there was no sign of people. What a contrast to where I live – Mumbai. In Mumbai city, there is never a time of the day or night, when you can feel lonely. It was at that moment I felt that actually there is an abundance of resources in the world; it’s just that either we don’t see it or experience it or maybe, we chose to ignore the same because of our basic instinct to “possess”.
Every continent has a variety of natural resources that are meant to be shared and enjoyed. However, through the passage of time, man has divided the earth into various continents, countries, cities, and so on. The desire to conquer and possess goes back in time and continues to play a significant role even today.
Just like the building blocks of Lego, where each block has a different colour, shape and size, yet they occupy a unique place when making a structure, human beings are born with unique skills. Although we may be born in different countries, religions and with different attributes, we need each other for our day to day life.
There is an abundance of money, food, shelter, clothing, natural resources, if only we were prepared to share rather than possess disproportionately. I was reading the story of a man who was driving past the streets of Mumbai and at a traffic signal, as is commonly witnessed, he saw a young child begging and standing without much clothing or a home. He drove past with a melancholic feeling, asking God, why did you not give her food? The answer that came back to him was – I made you to take care of that!
How many of us live with that spirit. We spend our day worrying about trivial issues like career progression, social approval, etc. In the midst of all these worries, we overlook the abundance of love in our life. We all look for happiness and actually, we are the happiest when we “share”. You could share anything that you believe you have in abundance – money, time, food, clothing, shelter or love.
Couple years ago, I was flying over the grasslands of Africa and I observed vast spaces of grasslands, open and unoccupied. There were animals grazing around and there was no sign of people. What a contrast to where I live – Mumbai. In Mumbai city, there is never a time of the day or night, when you can feel lonely. It was at that moment I felt that actually there is an abundance of resources in the world; it’s just that either we don’t see it or experience it or maybe, we chose to ignore the same because of our basic instinct to “possess”.
Every continent has a variety of natural resources that are meant to be shared and enjoyed. However, through the passage of time, man has divided the earth into various continents, countries, cities, and so on. The desire to conquer and possess goes back in time and continues to play a significant role even today.
Just like the building blocks of Lego, where each block has a different colour, shape and size, yet they occupy a unique place when making a structure, human beings are born with unique skills. Although we may be born in different countries, religions and with different attributes, we need each other for our day to day life.
There is an abundance of money, food, shelter, clothing, natural resources, if only we were prepared to share rather than possess disproportionately. I was reading the story of a man who was driving past the streets of Mumbai and at a traffic signal, as is commonly witnessed, he saw a young child begging and standing without much clothing or a home. He drove past with a melancholic feeling, asking God, why did you not give her food? The answer that came back to him was – I made you to take care of that!
How many of us live with that spirit. We spend our day worrying about trivial issues like career progression, social approval, etc. In the midst of all these worries, we overlook the abundance of love in our life. We all look for happiness and actually, we are the happiest when we “share”. You could share anything that you believe you have in abundance – money, time, food, clothing, shelter or love.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Is there really success and failure or it just learning
Success and Failure?
The world revolves around two major concepts – Success and Failure. There is constant talk about these outcomes -- whether it is in the form of grades of a student, box office performance of a movie or progression in business or career. The emphasis on the performance index is very high and sometimes skewed to the point of being singular.
Can success or failure be only measured in terms of numbers – money, test marks, profits, bonus and other “bottom lines”. Sadly, most of us get swayed by the report card of our child to the extent that we fail to look at the overall development such as the social skills, attitude of responsibility and respect, extra-curricular and above all, self confidence.
An entrepreneur is also constantly stressed with the changing bottom line. Any decline in profits and often the first point of attack comes on the costs. I understand that in trying times, there is a significant need to review expenses. On the other hand, is there adequate focus on increasing employee motivation, efficiency or creativity?
Parents tend to get paralyzed when they see “red”. How many actually go deep into the causes and confront those rather than just the symptoms. A child gets poor marks and parents’ immediately assume that the child didn’t study enough and either needs tuitions or grounding.
Failure and success are self defined concepts. When the outcome, reaction or consequence of an event is different than "perceived expectations", we term it as a success or failure. If the consequence is higher or positive than perceived expectations, we call it a "Success". On the other hand, if the outcome is lower than "perceived expectations", we term it as a "Failure". Essentially, there is simply a gap between the action due to either not knowing how to do the action or what the expectations at the other end are. Therefore, what is required is an understanding of the "Gap" and to use that as a tool/strategy towards consistent reaction.
Any action appears as a mistake only in hindsight once the outcome is known. In the present moment when the person is taking action, the intentions are "best". Fundamentally everyone always takes actions with the best intention of survival. You will never know whether an action will turn out to be a success or failure unless you make an attempt in the first place. Allow yourself the freedom and space to take "action". Your worries of the unknown restrict and limit you from taking an action in the first place and all "noble" intentions of actions get clouded.
I attended a program, Neuro Linguistic Programming (“NLP”), a concept researched and defined by Dr Richard Bandler. Dr Bandler studied if there was a pattern to the language of the brain. NLP is a model that suggests a co-relation between successful patterns of behavior and the subjective experiences (esp. patterns of thought) underlying them thereby influencing interpersonal communication. He realized that extraordinary performers had a better understanding of their “Gap” and effectively used their internal strengths i.e. “Resources”.
As evidenced in the story of Helen Keller, the brain is not born with a language of expression. All children have to be taught words, signs, symbols to enable them to connect with the world. Human beings interpret the information we receive through our senses like -- hear, touch, see, feel and taste. We use our senses in different proportions and develop our own techniques to perceive the world. If we are able to understand this “pattern”, we can then develop our personal “strategy” to design our life. For instance, organizations like McKinsey study various organizations to understand what makes some successful as compared to others. We can use a similar concept to understand what works for us and what does not i.e. understand our personal strategy and then gradually adapt ourselves accordingly. This enables us to live a life by design rather than accident.
President Barack Obama has very appropriately remarked, “Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.”
The key word that keeps repeating itself in different formats is “Learn”. If you are willing to learn and adapt, you move ahead in life. If you see similar incidents appearing in your life time and again (either positively or negatively) and make no effort to understand or learn, you get stuck or start looking at life as “chance” rather than “design”.
Life is dynamic and there is a constant need to adapt. Interestingly, behaviors that worked for us in a particular phase of life, become barriers or redundant in another phase of life. For instance, India adopted a policy of self reliance post-independence since there was a serious need to develop and give fillip to domestic industry. Concessions, subsidies and policies were designed to protect the economy. Gradually, as India moved from an agrarian economy to an industrial economy, a need to compete and modernize arose. This required a shift in policies and such.
Similarly, as we grow from childhood to adulthood, from being single to having a family, we need to adapt to the demands of our role. A child has the freedom to behave with utmost freedom since the impact of actions is limited. However, as one increases the circle of influence, the need to review the impact of one’s actions comes into play.
What is right action? The way I understand right action, is when we do “our best in relation to others”. For example, a thief does his best to cleverly plan and steal valuables and does his best by at not getting caught. Although the thief does his best, he does not do his best in relation to others.
In a family it is the responsibility of the elders to take everyone’s interest into account while taking any decision that may impact the family as a whole. The same rule applies to the leader of an organization. The organizational interest is the guiding factor in the decision making process of a leader. Along with the authority to take decisions, there is a tremendous responsibility that rests with the leader or elder of the family.
A classic scenario exists in many organizations - A person works hard gradually moving up the career ladder accomplishing small goals little by little and carries people along with him. As he progresses, he starts observing that many of his decisions have held him in good stead. This boosts his level of confidence to take larger and more significant risks and decisions. A sentiment of “I am right” becomes his strategy of life.
This feeling of being right fuels an innate ability to take on assignments where there is scope to prove oneself over and over. It becomes a vicious circle of being proven right and success. It’s a heady cocktail and it goes straight to the head, at times. Gradually, it creates barriers such as not listening to others ideas, suggestions or even feedback. A wall of righteousness gets erected subconsciously. This is when the clarity in the decision making process blurs due to a shift in motivation from seeking growth and knowledge to seeking power and recognition.
Slowly but surely, the team starts getting frustrated because their involvement reduces and impacts their creativity and motivation. The popular boss suddenly becomes the not so wanted boss. People start feeling stifled or scared. You don’t even realize when you may have missed some opportunities or ideas or signals because you stopped listening or watching. I am not saying that you are no longer right and all suggestions need to be implemented. What needs to be inquired is the current effectiveness of the strategy of “I am right” and the need to introduce a new strategy such as “Others are right as well”.
Professor Thomas Szasz of Psychiatry at the State University of New York aptly said, “Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily.”
The world revolves around two major concepts – Success and Failure. There is constant talk about these outcomes -- whether it is in the form of grades of a student, box office performance of a movie or progression in business or career. The emphasis on the performance index is very high and sometimes skewed to the point of being singular.
Can success or failure be only measured in terms of numbers – money, test marks, profits, bonus and other “bottom lines”. Sadly, most of us get swayed by the report card of our child to the extent that we fail to look at the overall development such as the social skills, attitude of responsibility and respect, extra-curricular and above all, self confidence.
An entrepreneur is also constantly stressed with the changing bottom line. Any decline in profits and often the first point of attack comes on the costs. I understand that in trying times, there is a significant need to review expenses. On the other hand, is there adequate focus on increasing employee motivation, efficiency or creativity?
Parents tend to get paralyzed when they see “red”. How many actually go deep into the causes and confront those rather than just the symptoms. A child gets poor marks and parents’ immediately assume that the child didn’t study enough and either needs tuitions or grounding.
Failure and success are self defined concepts. When the outcome, reaction or consequence of an event is different than "perceived expectations", we term it as a success or failure. If the consequence is higher or positive than perceived expectations, we call it a "Success". On the other hand, if the outcome is lower than "perceived expectations", we term it as a "Failure". Essentially, there is simply a gap between the action due to either not knowing how to do the action or what the expectations at the other end are. Therefore, what is required is an understanding of the "Gap" and to use that as a tool/strategy towards consistent reaction.
Any action appears as a mistake only in hindsight once the outcome is known. In the present moment when the person is taking action, the intentions are "best". Fundamentally everyone always takes actions with the best intention of survival. You will never know whether an action will turn out to be a success or failure unless you make an attempt in the first place. Allow yourself the freedom and space to take "action". Your worries of the unknown restrict and limit you from taking an action in the first place and all "noble" intentions of actions get clouded.
I attended a program, Neuro Linguistic Programming (“NLP”), a concept researched and defined by Dr Richard Bandler. Dr Bandler studied if there was a pattern to the language of the brain. NLP is a model that suggests a co-relation between successful patterns of behavior and the subjective experiences (esp. patterns of thought) underlying them thereby influencing interpersonal communication. He realized that extraordinary performers had a better understanding of their “Gap” and effectively used their internal strengths i.e. “Resources”.
As evidenced in the story of Helen Keller, the brain is not born with a language of expression. All children have to be taught words, signs, symbols to enable them to connect with the world. Human beings interpret the information we receive through our senses like -- hear, touch, see, feel and taste. We use our senses in different proportions and develop our own techniques to perceive the world. If we are able to understand this “pattern”, we can then develop our personal “strategy” to design our life. For instance, organizations like McKinsey study various organizations to understand what makes some successful as compared to others. We can use a similar concept to understand what works for us and what does not i.e. understand our personal strategy and then gradually adapt ourselves accordingly. This enables us to live a life by design rather than accident.
President Barack Obama has very appropriately remarked, “Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.”
The key word that keeps repeating itself in different formats is “Learn”. If you are willing to learn and adapt, you move ahead in life. If you see similar incidents appearing in your life time and again (either positively or negatively) and make no effort to understand or learn, you get stuck or start looking at life as “chance” rather than “design”.
Life is dynamic and there is a constant need to adapt. Interestingly, behaviors that worked for us in a particular phase of life, become barriers or redundant in another phase of life. For instance, India adopted a policy of self reliance post-independence since there was a serious need to develop and give fillip to domestic industry. Concessions, subsidies and policies were designed to protect the economy. Gradually, as India moved from an agrarian economy to an industrial economy, a need to compete and modernize arose. This required a shift in policies and such.
Similarly, as we grow from childhood to adulthood, from being single to having a family, we need to adapt to the demands of our role. A child has the freedom to behave with utmost freedom since the impact of actions is limited. However, as one increases the circle of influence, the need to review the impact of one’s actions comes into play.
What is right action? The way I understand right action, is when we do “our best in relation to others”. For example, a thief does his best to cleverly plan and steal valuables and does his best by at not getting caught. Although the thief does his best, he does not do his best in relation to others.
In a family it is the responsibility of the elders to take everyone’s interest into account while taking any decision that may impact the family as a whole. The same rule applies to the leader of an organization. The organizational interest is the guiding factor in the decision making process of a leader. Along with the authority to take decisions, there is a tremendous responsibility that rests with the leader or elder of the family.
A classic scenario exists in many organizations - A person works hard gradually moving up the career ladder accomplishing small goals little by little and carries people along with him. As he progresses, he starts observing that many of his decisions have held him in good stead. This boosts his level of confidence to take larger and more significant risks and decisions. A sentiment of “I am right” becomes his strategy of life.
This feeling of being right fuels an innate ability to take on assignments where there is scope to prove oneself over and over. It becomes a vicious circle of being proven right and success. It’s a heady cocktail and it goes straight to the head, at times. Gradually, it creates barriers such as not listening to others ideas, suggestions or even feedback. A wall of righteousness gets erected subconsciously. This is when the clarity in the decision making process blurs due to a shift in motivation from seeking growth and knowledge to seeking power and recognition.
Slowly but surely, the team starts getting frustrated because their involvement reduces and impacts their creativity and motivation. The popular boss suddenly becomes the not so wanted boss. People start feeling stifled or scared. You don’t even realize when you may have missed some opportunities or ideas or signals because you stopped listening or watching. I am not saying that you are no longer right and all suggestions need to be implemented. What needs to be inquired is the current effectiveness of the strategy of “I am right” and the need to introduce a new strategy such as “Others are right as well”.
Professor Thomas Szasz of Psychiatry at the State University of New York aptly said, “Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily.”
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