Control
There are often news items about drunken driving and the police are always attempting to remind people not to drink and drive. They use advertisements or sudden checks and even imprisonment to reinforce the danger of the same. Yet there are enough incidents of felony. We live our life the same way – like drivers in a drunken stupor.
Centuries ago through the form of mythological stories, fables and religious scriptures, the way to living a powerful life have been enumerated. We continue to ignore the warnings and increase our suffering. When you learn how to drive a car, you are cautious and allow the instructor to guide you. However, when you receive a driving license, gradually you forget some of the rules and you feel that now you can drive with your own rules. Some drive in the fast lane and may meet with an accident, whereas another may drive in the slow lane and suffer the blares of the horns. Keeping to the middle lane or a path of moderation is the toughest discipline.
Another analogy is that driving requires tremendous dexterity. You cannot control how the others will drive around you or who will suddenly cut your lane or apply the brakes in front of you. You can only ensure that you stay alert and in control of your vehicle rather than expect everyone to watch out. Similarly in life, you cannot control your circumstances but only discipline the mind yourself to stay in control of your reactions to the same.
For instance, you cannot choose your parents or your surroundings. What you can however be in control of is what values you imbibe from them and your surroundings. India is a country that where dual perspectives co-exist at every turning – you see slums along with sky rises, beggars next to posh cars, designer stores and the small grocery stores. You can either focus at the discrimination or the lack of development or the level of progress or above all, have gratitude for what you have. It is this choice of perspective that is entirely in our hands.
We exercise choices at every moment of our life - to eat or fast, to work or not, to marry or stay single. All these choices are with us and we act upon them on the basis of our beliefs, interpretations of possibilities of life, family influences and so on. However, what we commonly forget is that firstly, we made that choice and also every choice comes with a price attached to it.
When we choose to get educated, it requires the discipline of doing homework, studying for exams and following the rules of the institution. School is no doubt fun because you get an opportunity to make friends, explore your potential, learn different subjects and follow your passions. In this excitement of meeting friends and playing, a student sometimes forgets the other norms and each time a disciplinary action is taken, there is a sense of disappointment and sadness. I know its boring to be disciplined everyday and sometimes you feel like being inconsistent on your routine, however, the consequences of the inconsistency are also yours.
Any action goes hand in hand with responsibility of choice and consequences. The severity of the consequences often goes with the level or frequency of inconsistency. You can choose to stay healthy by observing care in what you eat or simply decide to enjoy the food and then fight the battle of the bulge.
A very common scenario that is even played out in TV serials is the relationship between a mother in law and daughter in law. There seems to be a preconceived notion that this relationship will not be normal. Every statement or remark uttered by either party is blown out of proportion and then starts the vicious cycle of control over the house, the poor husband/son and finances. Even if you are in control over the house or so on, are you truly in control of yourself. Obviously not, that is why there is a desperate need to hang onto external factors.
Now comes the big Question – how can I be in control of my life? As mentioned above, a student needs to abide to some rules to achieve the aspired grades or a person needs to follow a certain regime of food and exercise to maintain a healthy body. Similarly, there is process for feeling in control of your circumstances rather than being controlled by them.
Every aspect of life whether it s school, job or relationship has a certain set of rules that are predefined. If you channelize all your energies into anything that you want to accomplish (i.e. 100%) and do not discount your efforts with emotions such as a need for acknowledgement or approval, fears, ego, sense of righteousness or need to succeed, then the result achieved is remarkably different.
Of course, even if you give a relationship or work your 100%, sometimes you may not get the desired outcome because there are so many unknowns at the other end – another person’s needs, expectations, fears, motivating factors, personal biases etc. Here frustration tends to creep in because then you are trying to control how others should behave, react or respond rather than yourself. Now, that’s the ego speaking, where we try to fool ourselves that we can control or change others. You can attempt to influence only.
Till my governing thought process was – work is a challenge (because of any of the above impending emotions), it always appeared difficult, strenuous and demanding and above all, a drain on my energies. Over the years, I have changed the definition of work to - learning through processes such as marketing, delivering, success, failure. Now I actually enjoy the pursuit because at every step I learn and grow, there is self development. My work has not changed and neither has my market, all that has changed is my choice of perspective.
Oscar Wilde believed, “A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
If you look at how a sail boat learns to adapt to the waves of the ocean, yet staying in control of its direction and destination. The sailboat knows that it has to befriend the moods of the wind and the water. It does not fight them but accepts them. It experiences a sense of freedom and space in the vastness of the ocean and it also realizes its insignificance in comparison. Be like a sail boat in your life and teach yourself to dance gracefully to the ups and downs of life.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
We all perceive events differently. There is an inbuilt mechanism that makes us “perceive” differently. When a person walks into a room, we make a quick assessment of the person. We assess the person based on clothes, style of walking, facial expressions, smile etc. A verdict is formed on whether the person is arrogant, smart, quiet, jovial or even worth talking to. A relationship is immediately formed based on these perceptions or first impressions. For instance, I may get along with someone fabulously, while you may not even be able to tolerate that person. What makes each one of see the same person differently? – “Perception”
Perception is our sensory experience of the world around us and involves both the recognition of environmental stimuli and actions in response to these stimuli. Through the perceptual process, we gain information about the environment. Perception not only creates our experience of the world around us; it allows us to act within our environment.
The world is full of stimuli that can attract our attention through various senses. We may use visual, auditory or other senses to gather information and react towards our environment. Our minds are designed to absorb information using our senses in different proportions. Some use their visual senses more powerfully whereas another may use auditory senses more comfortably. Our perceptions enable us to gather and impart knowledge and innovate and create.
"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,” was written by Gertrude Stein as part of the 1913 poem Sacred Emily. This has often been interpreted as meaning "things are what they are." In Stein's view, the sentence expresses the fact that simply using the name of a thing already invokes the imagery and emotions associated with it. Rose is associated with many descriptions – romantic, beautiful, sacred, fragrant, colorful, thorny and so on. However, that “rose” still remains a “rose”.
What this goes to show is that each one of us perceives an image, event, words, actions differently and react from thereon. The event does not change; it’s our individual interpretation that gives meaning to an event. A common situation is seen that parents are often fearful of sending their children out alone and may insist on sending a driver or maid along. The child may perceive this act of protectiveness as stifling and curbing on the independence or even lack of trust. Here is where trouble starts – each one insists on their point of view and believes the other to be wrong.
Who is right? Actually, both are right, if you look at it dispassionately from their individual perspectives. Then how do you break a deadlock?
We often forget to look at another person’s perspective because our mind gets tuned to thinking in one way - “Tunneled”. We often forget to think outside this self created tunnel and live our life along this pathway. This is where misunderstandings creep into relationships.
Now sit back and think. Did you convey your “expectations”? Were your expectations fair and appropriate i.e. was the person capable of meeting them and did he even understand your expectations or their consequences? We often take all this for granted and then there is mayhem. Most of us just “assume” that it’s “understood”.
I for one, do not like to get into trouble willfully and I am quite certain neither do others. We act from our perception (and to the best of our intention) and then, wham, we get into trouble. The mind asks, Hey! What happened? I only did or said what I thought was right or I only reacted to your statements. Sadly, often these events and interpretations get etched in our mind, with little room for benefit of doubt.
“When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stringer than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free,” remarked author Catherine Ponder.
South African President, Mr Nelson Mandela forgave his prisoners upon being released because he made a choice – after having gained physical freedom, he did not want to live in an emotional prison of hatred. His act of forgiveness was more towards freeing himself and being I control of his emotions. This gave him immense courage and strength to continue on his fight against apartheid. Mr Mandela did not waste his internal energy or thoughts by harboring negative sentiments towards his prisoners. Instead, he channelized that energy towards constructing a new future for his people.
Why is it so difficult for us to forgive? Are we sadists that we keep hurting ourselves with memories of words, actions, images. When we do not forgive someone, we are able to live in this feeling of righteousness. (It is one thing to fight a war of Independence for a country, it is yet another to throw bombs on innocent people as a terrorist.) You are able to validate your reaction and thought process. Yeah! I am right! Ok, you were right, but what next. Are you going to live the rest of your life trying to prove that you were right and the other person (or the world) was wrong?
How often do we give the benefit of doubt or even willing to consider that we need to take the responsibility for the reaction? Or how often do we look and think that I may genuinely have made an error of judgment. We swing from blaming others or calling ourselves a failure.
The whole process of being wrong or right starts because firstly there is an expectation of being perfect or a certain way. Always remember, you are first and foremost a human being and living this life for the first time and therefore – “To err is Human, to forgive is divine.” If you were born with the knowledge of how to live, what would there be left to learn. Rather boring!
Forgiveness is a balm for the soul but a thorn for the pride! We get stuck in the chains of interpretations and limit our freedom. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner is you,” said renowned theologian Lewis B Smedes
We all perceive events differently. There is an inbuilt mechanism that makes us “perceive” differently. When a person walks into a room, we make a quick assessment of the person. We assess the person based on clothes, style of walking, facial expressions, smile etc. A verdict is formed on whether the person is arrogant, smart, quiet, jovial or even worth talking to. A relationship is immediately formed based on these perceptions or first impressions. For instance, I may get along with someone fabulously, while you may not even be able to tolerate that person. What makes each one of see the same person differently? – “Perception”
Perception is our sensory experience of the world around us and involves both the recognition of environmental stimuli and actions in response to these stimuli. Through the perceptual process, we gain information about the environment. Perception not only creates our experience of the world around us; it allows us to act within our environment.
The world is full of stimuli that can attract our attention through various senses. We may use visual, auditory or other senses to gather information and react towards our environment. Our minds are designed to absorb information using our senses in different proportions. Some use their visual senses more powerfully whereas another may use auditory senses more comfortably. Our perceptions enable us to gather and impart knowledge and innovate and create.
"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,” was written by Gertrude Stein as part of the 1913 poem Sacred Emily. This has often been interpreted as meaning "things are what they are." In Stein's view, the sentence expresses the fact that simply using the name of a thing already invokes the imagery and emotions associated with it. Rose is associated with many descriptions – romantic, beautiful, sacred, fragrant, colorful, thorny and so on. However, that “rose” still remains a “rose”.
What this goes to show is that each one of us perceives an image, event, words, actions differently and react from thereon. The event does not change; it’s our individual interpretation that gives meaning to an event. A common situation is seen that parents are often fearful of sending their children out alone and may insist on sending a driver or maid along. The child may perceive this act of protectiveness as stifling and curbing on the independence or even lack of trust. Here is where trouble starts – each one insists on their point of view and believes the other to be wrong.
Who is right? Actually, both are right, if you look at it dispassionately from their individual perspectives. Then how do you break a deadlock?
We often forget to look at another person’s perspective because our mind gets tuned to thinking in one way - “Tunneled”. We often forget to think outside this self created tunnel and live our life along this pathway. This is where misunderstandings creep into relationships.
Now sit back and think. Did you convey your “expectations”? Were your expectations fair and appropriate i.e. was the person capable of meeting them and did he even understand your expectations or their consequences? We often take all this for granted and then there is mayhem. Most of us just “assume” that it’s “understood”.
I for one, do not like to get into trouble willfully and I am quite certain neither do others. We act from our perception (and to the best of our intention) and then, wham, we get into trouble. The mind asks, Hey! What happened? I only did or said what I thought was right or I only reacted to your statements. Sadly, often these events and interpretations get etched in our mind, with little room for benefit of doubt.
“When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stringer than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free,” remarked author Catherine Ponder.
South African President, Mr Nelson Mandela forgave his prisoners upon being released because he made a choice – after having gained physical freedom, he did not want to live in an emotional prison of hatred. His act of forgiveness was more towards freeing himself and being I control of his emotions. This gave him immense courage and strength to continue on his fight against apartheid. Mr Mandela did not waste his internal energy or thoughts by harboring negative sentiments towards his prisoners. Instead, he channelized that energy towards constructing a new future for his people.
Why is it so difficult for us to forgive? Are we sadists that we keep hurting ourselves with memories of words, actions, images. When we do not forgive someone, we are able to live in this feeling of righteousness. (It is one thing to fight a war of Independence for a country, it is yet another to throw bombs on innocent people as a terrorist.) You are able to validate your reaction and thought process. Yeah! I am right! Ok, you were right, but what next. Are you going to live the rest of your life trying to prove that you were right and the other person (or the world) was wrong?
How often do we give the benefit of doubt or even willing to consider that we need to take the responsibility for the reaction? Or how often do we look and think that I may genuinely have made an error of judgment. We swing from blaming others or calling ourselves a failure.
The whole process of being wrong or right starts because firstly there is an expectation of being perfect or a certain way. Always remember, you are first and foremost a human being and living this life for the first time and therefore – “To err is Human, to forgive is divine.” If you were born with the knowledge of how to live, what would there be left to learn. Rather boring!
Forgiveness is a balm for the soul but a thorn for the pride! We get stuck in the chains of interpretations and limit our freedom. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner is you,” said renowned theologian Lewis B Smedes
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
