Forgiveness

Forgiveness


We all perceive events differently. There is an inbuilt mechanism that makes us “perceive” differently. When a person walks into a room, we make a quick assessment of the person. We assess the person based on clothes, style of walking, facial expressions, smile etc. A verdict is formed on whether the person is arrogant, smart, quiet, jovial or even worth talking to. A relationship is immediately formed based on these perceptions or first impressions. For instance, I may get along with someone fabulously, while you may not even be able to tolerate that person. What makes each one of see the same person differently? – “Perception”

Perception is our sensory experience of the world around us and involves both the recognition of environmental stimuli and actions in response to these stimuli. Through the perceptual process, we gain information about the environment. Perception not only creates our experience of the world around us; it allows us to act within our environment.

The world is full of stimuli that can attract our attention through various senses. We may use visual, auditory or other senses to gather information and react towards our environment. Our minds are designed to absorb information using our senses in different proportions. Some use their visual senses more powerfully whereas another may use auditory senses more comfortably. Our perceptions enable us to gather and impart knowledge and innovate and create.

"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose,” was written by Gertrude Stein as part of the 1913 poem Sacred Emily. This has often been interpreted as meaning "things are what they are." In Stein's view, the sentence expresses the fact that simply using the name of a thing already invokes the imagery and emotions associated with it. Rose is associated with many descriptions – romantic, beautiful, sacred, fragrant, colorful, thorny and so on. However, that “rose” still remains a “rose”.

What this goes to show is that each one of us perceives an image, event, words, actions differently and react from thereon. The event does not change; it’s our individual interpretation that gives meaning to an event. A common situation is seen that parents are often fearful of sending their children out alone and may insist on sending a driver or maid along. The child may perceive this act of protectiveness as stifling and curbing on the independence or even lack of trust. Here is where trouble starts – each one insists on their point of view and believes the other to be wrong.

Who is right? Actually, both are right, if you look at it dispassionately from their individual perspectives. Then how do you break a deadlock?

We often forget to look at another person’s perspective because our mind gets tuned to thinking in one way - “Tunneled”. We often forget to think outside this self created tunnel and live our life along this pathway. This is where misunderstandings creep into relationships.

Now sit back and think. Did you convey your “expectations”? Were your expectations fair and appropriate i.e. was the person capable of meeting them and did he even understand your expectations or their consequences? We often take all this for granted and then there is mayhem. Most of us just “assume” that it’s “understood”.

I for one, do not like to get into trouble willfully and I am quite certain neither do others. We act from our perception (and to the best of our intention) and then, wham, we get into trouble. The mind asks, Hey! What happened? I only did or said what I thought was right or I only reacted to your statements. Sadly, often these events and interpretations get etched in our mind, with little room for benefit of doubt.

“When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stringer than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free,” remarked author Catherine Ponder.

South African President, Mr Nelson Mandela forgave his prisoners upon being released because he made a choice – after having gained physical freedom, he did not want to live in an emotional prison of hatred. His act of forgiveness was more towards freeing himself and being I control of his emotions. This gave him immense courage and strength to continue on his fight against apartheid. Mr Mandela did not waste his internal energy or thoughts by harboring negative sentiments towards his prisoners. Instead, he channelized that energy towards constructing a new future for his people.

Why is it so difficult for us to forgive? Are we sadists that we keep hurting ourselves with memories of words, actions, images. When we do not forgive someone, we are able to live in this feeling of righteousness. (It is one thing to fight a war of Independence for a country, it is yet another to throw bombs on innocent people as a terrorist.) You are able to validate your reaction and thought process. Yeah! I am right! Ok, you were right, but what next. Are you going to live the rest of your life trying to prove that you were right and the other person (or the world) was wrong?

How often do we give the benefit of doubt or even willing to consider that we need to take the responsibility for the reaction? Or how often do we look and think that I may genuinely have made an error of judgment. We swing from blaming others or calling ourselves a failure.

The whole process of being wrong or right starts because firstly there is an expectation of being perfect or a certain way. Always remember, you are first and foremost a human being and living this life for the first time and therefore – “To err is Human, to forgive is divine.” If you were born with the knowledge of how to live, what would there be left to learn. Rather boring!

Forgiveness is a balm for the soul but a thorn for the pride! We get stuck in the chains of interpretations and limit our freedom. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner is you,” said renowned theologian Lewis B Smedes