Being Authentic
“That inner voice has both gentleness and
clarity. So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to
the honesty, and the inevitability of something.” Meredith
Monk
"Don't shout" is a commonly used
hypocritical statements by a parent to a child. When the command is barked, the
child is confused because the parent is expecting contrarian behavior from the
child. I too have 'shouted' these words several times and now I laugh at my
folly because the words and action never matched. I wonder, was I telling my
child or myself to be calm.
Arrogantly, I believed I lived a life of integrity.
As I became more self aware, I got a rude shock and had to humbly accept that I
was as much of a hypocrite like all those who I judged. I didn't keep my word,
I was not honest with myself and I behaved as if I was better than many. I
had a rather misplaced self-image. The import of the word authenticity was
unknown and living it was definitely not an easy task.
I was working with a client who enjoys adventurous
water sports. He feels totally aligned and exhilarated while playing such
sports. Another value that he cherishes is being respectful of others and their
feelings. With my client, the value of respect for others had suppressed the
adventurous spirit. He took risk only where he believed he was not impacting
another. Consequently, the risk taking personality was limited to vacation time
and he did not take much risk in professional or personal life. Our life is
shaped by values that become integral to our personality. Sometimes, one value
superimposes its influence on another and creates disintegration in our
personality and thereby resulting in lack of clarity and frustration.
During childhood, parents may draw boundaries or
rules to instill a sense of responsibility and awareness of consequences for
choices. Also, parents react to life from their experiences and are often
ignorant of the true inner nature of the child or are simply protecting the
child from failures or consequences of taking risk. The boundaries
inadvertently become norms of behavior and we forget to reflect as an adult and
make choices that are true to our inner nature. While respecting others or
rules, we create conflict for ourselves by not respecting our inner needs.
How do we live a balanced life of values?
Authenticity
is the key to living a balanced life. When we do and say in line with what we think and feel, and
express our inner desires, fears, hopes and feelings, we live an authentic life
and are able to build trust. Often when we want something, we present several
excuses or reasons to build a story and logic around the desire. We hesitate to
simply say, I want this or I think so, for fear of being rejected or seen as
foolish. We make assumptions and limit ourselves from expressing honestly or
living with honesty.
What if we are seen as
wrong, what if we make a mistake, what if we get rejected? We can start again,
get another or different opportunity, have a difference in opinion. Are we
truly being rejected or is it that our needs don’t fit with those of another?
Also, we experience every event for the first time, so how can we expect to
know how to deal with a situation. Sometimes, we know and sometimes we don’t.
We need to learn, apply and move ahead.
I believe that we are so
attached to winning, that we are unwilling to face disappointments or failures
or be seen as wrong. We become so desperate to get the outcomes we work towards
and completely lose sight of the journey. Above all, we get lazy to flex those
muscles of the mind that can adapt to change. Our mind has the capacity to be
alert to dynamism and opportunities. We build habits and thinking patterns and
live our whole life with the same patterns. Ironically, we expect to face
higher challenges and receive better outcomes without making commensurate change
in our thought process.
While coaching, I mostly
listen for paradoxes in conversation. Clients express their problems and when
they are questioned, they often get defensive, when provoked further. Most
successful people provoke themselves to look for opportunities to grow.
However, they may not always apply the same rules of provocation to grow
themselves holistically as a person. Here is where inauthenticity creeps into
life. Over time, we become masters of deception and we live with a distorted
self-image. The joke is that we are dishonest only to ourselves. The world can
see through the inauthenticity, our tone, words, actions, voice give us away.
Laws of nature are perfect
and however, successful a life we live, our inauthenticity catches up with us.
The purpose of life is to evolve and even if we want to stay in our comfort
zone, circumstances do not allow us that privilege. Relationships that are
built on the foundation of inauthenticity and deception, suffer cracks and
either fall apart or become a drag in our life. It is painful to live with
inauthenticity and it is painful to shed the mask of deception. In my
experience, it takes more courage to live with deception day in day out, than
it does to shed that falsehood.
Every choice has
consequences. Living with authenticity opens the doors to trust and
self-confidence that allows us to climb greater heights, meet new challenges
with ease, be creative and successful. When there is clarity of thought and
there is no conflict between values and we have the conviction to act, the mind
is able to create miracles effortlessly. When we work in the ‘zone’, we are
efficient, productive, effective and above all, happy. Happiness is not a thing
to get, but something that needs to be worked on, every living moment.
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