Being Authentic

Being Authentic

“That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity. So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something.” Meredith Monk

"Don't shout" is a commonly used hypocritical statements by a parent to a child. When the command is barked, the child is confused because the parent is expecting contrarian behavior from the child. I too have 'shouted' these words several times and now I laugh at my folly because the words and action never matched. I wonder, was I telling my child or myself to be calm. 

Arrogantly, I believed I lived a life of integrity. As I became more self aware, I got a rude shock and had to humbly accept that I was as much of a hypocrite like all those who I judged. I didn't keep my word, I was not honest with myself and I behaved as if I was better than many. I had a rather misplaced self-image. The import of the word authenticity was unknown and living it was definitely not an easy task. 

I was working with a client who enjoys adventurous water sports. He feels totally aligned and exhilarated while playing such sports. Another value that he cherishes is being respectful of others and their feelings. With my client, the value of respect for others had suppressed the adventurous spirit. He took risk only where he believed he was not impacting another. Consequently, the risk taking personality was limited to vacation time and he did not take much risk in professional or personal life. Our life is shaped by values that become integral to our personality. Sometimes, one value superimposes its influence on another and creates disintegration in our personality and thereby resulting in lack of clarity and frustration. 

During childhood, parents may draw boundaries or rules to instill a sense of responsibility and awareness of consequences for choices. Also, parents react to life from their experiences and are often ignorant of the true inner nature of the child or are simply protecting the child from failures or consequences of taking risk. The boundaries inadvertently become norms of behavior and we forget to reflect as an adult and make choices that are true to our inner nature. While respecting others or rules, we create conflict for ourselves by not respecting our inner needs.

How do we live a balanced life of values?

Authenticity is the key to living a balanced life. When we do and say in line with what we think and feel, and express our inner desires, fears, hopes and feelings, we live an authentic life and are able to build trust. Often when we want something, we present several excuses or reasons to build a story and logic around the desire. We hesitate to simply say, I want this or I think so, for fear of being rejected or seen as foolish. We make assumptions and limit ourselves from expressing honestly or living with honesty.

What if we are seen as wrong, what if we make a mistake, what if we get rejected? We can start again, get another or different opportunity, have a difference in opinion. Are we truly being rejected or is it that our needs don’t fit with those of another? Also, we experience every event for the first time, so how can we expect to know how to deal with a situation. Sometimes, we know and sometimes we don’t. We need to learn, apply and move ahead.

I believe that we are so attached to winning, that we are unwilling to face disappointments or failures or be seen as wrong. We become so desperate to get the outcomes we work towards and completely lose sight of the journey. Above all, we get lazy to flex those muscles of the mind that can adapt to change. Our mind has the capacity to be alert to dynamism and opportunities. We build habits and thinking patterns and live our whole life with the same patterns. Ironically, we expect to face higher challenges and receive better outcomes without making commensurate change in our thought process.  

While coaching, I mostly listen for paradoxes in conversation. Clients express their problems and when they are questioned, they often get defensive, when provoked further. Most successful people provoke themselves to look for opportunities to grow. However, they may not always apply the same rules of provocation to grow themselves holistically as a person. Here is where inauthenticity creeps into life. Over time, we become masters of deception and we live with a distorted self-image. The joke is that we are dishonest only to ourselves. The world can see through the inauthenticity, our tone, words, actions, voice give us away.

Laws of nature are perfect and however, successful a life we live, our inauthenticity catches up with us. The purpose of life is to evolve and even if we want to stay in our comfort zone, circumstances do not allow us that privilege. Relationships that are built on the foundation of inauthenticity and deception, suffer cracks and either fall apart or become a drag in our life. It is painful to live with inauthenticity and it is painful to shed the mask of deception. In my experience, it takes more courage to live with deception day in day out, than it does to shed that falsehood.

Every choice has consequences. Living with authenticity opens the doors to trust and self-confidence that allows us to climb greater heights, meet new challenges with ease, be creative and successful. When there is clarity of thought and there is no conflict between values and we have the conviction to act, the mind is able to create miracles effortlessly. When we work in the ‘zone’, we are efficient, productive, effective and above all, happy. Happiness is not a thing to get, but something that needs to be worked on, every living moment.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

Oneness

Oneness 

“I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit.” Khalil Gibran

As a child, I loved playing with Lego. The colored blocks could keep me busy for hours constructing different shapes and figures. I believe it instilled focus, discipline and creativity amongst others. As an adult, I see Lego as synonymous to human beings, in a limited way of course. The way Lego is made of plastic, we are made of body, emotions and intellect. We all serve a purpose in the movie playing in the world and there is always a talent within each of to add value to the world for and make the picture perfect. Alone, we are of no use; together we can create magical images.

In this world of Lego, I often wondered how do I add to the world. After years of seeking, I believe that my faith is my offering.  Faith in the knowledge of my true nature, faith in the Universal Power, faith that there is goodness in all and we are all loved unconditionally and we get what we deserve. My expression as a person arises from faith, my creativity of as a professional arises from faith, my ability to be fearless arises from faith, my ability to love arises from faith.

I always saw myself as a religious person. I believed in the existence of God and observed rituals like prayer, fasting and going to the temple. In all this, did I truly understand religion? No, I did what I observed or learnt but never questioned or analyzed. Neither did I attempt to understand the import or difference between religions. I adopted my religion as Hinduism since I was born in a Hindu family. I visited the Gurudwara, Church, Mosque to worship as well. I believed in and experienced His Existence wherever humanity gathered to pray. This simplistic faith in God gave me a foundation for life wherein I always believed in His love. My love for the Universal Power, God, The Supreme, The Creator, however undergone a tremendous shift – earlier it was based on blind love; now it is based on understanding and conviction. 

As I have read about other religions, my understanding is that all religions lead to the same Universal Truth and all religions teach the principles for happiness, peace, compassion and love. Religions are expressed and interpreted in different languages and ways and recommend different practices or rituals but they all respond to the same quest - how to express love freely and how to live a happy life.

The knowledge of any discovery or invention has always been shared through different media like drawings, writings, artifacts, dance, music etc to make life easier for the next generation. Religion too is a knowledge that is to be shared for the progress of communities. Different communities have different dialects, cultures, clothes, cuisines that bring them together and create a sense of belonging. Human beings have a basic need to belong. Religion too is a binding force at a deeper level of emotions and love.

I am not a doctorate in religious studies and neither am I a saint, however, I believe that the saints who are revered as the founders of religion could not have wanted people to distinguish and fight over religion. As an expression of their love, they showed people a path to live with love, forgiveness, courage, solidarity, compassion etc. They recognized that life could be replete with suffering unless people understood the purpose of life.

We claim to be religious and believers, yet we talk about discrimination and superiority. The moment a discrimination or sense of superiority arises in our mind, we have fallen out of love. People in their ignorance adopt translations that create divide between human beings. This is not an expression of Universal Love. No religion asks us to be either subservient or aggressive. It repeatedly tells us to do the right thing and listen to that voice within to know what is the right thing to do. The voice of Truth can be heard when we silence our plethora of thoughts and allow the voice to speak and believe in that voice within. This voice is present within each one of us and is a gift available to all of us. Religion teaches us how to access that voice and live from there. Spiritual Masters have shared their expression of love through different religions as their expression of love for humanity.

The way technology has given an access to communicate faster and live with ease. We can either get obsessed by technology and blame the father of computers or use it prudently. Similarly, we can either understand the import behind religions or sue them to create divisions in society. Religion teaches us how to live life as human beings and how to fulfill the purpose of life. It teaches us how to express our love and live together, recognizing our inter-dependencies. I cannot express my humanity without another!

“My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.” Desmond Tutu

Playing the game of life

“Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.” Sai Baba

Life is what we make of it; nothing more, nothing less. Life is not about getting what we want; we get what we deserve. Nature takes its own time and life is full of surprises. We are responsible for making our life what it is in the present moment. We accept accolades and feel good about ourselves when we are successful to the extent we start feeling ‘how great am I’. However, when we are faced with difficulties or a failure, we look outwards and blame the world. What happens then, where does that sense of responsibility and arrogance of greatness go? How come we are unable to apply that greatness to face life?

What is it that prevents us from going deeper and harnessing that same ability to encounter difficulties and convert them into opportunities. That arrogant ignorant mind gets caught in the delusion of ‘I know it all’ and we forget to sit back and reflect. When we read the biography of any leader, there are elements of adventure, risk, fearlessness, pain, perseverance and sacrifice. They explore their boundaries and rarely stay in their comfort zone. Many people get caught in time warps about their concepts of how their world should ideally be. There is no ideal; there is no constant. To keep growing, we need to stay alert to change and be aware of our purpose of life.

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.” Einstein

Curiosity and experimentation like a scientist, is the key to redesigning life. The way we master new information about various objects in the external world, we can also change perspectives about ourselves by shifting the subject of curiosity inwards. We view life through our lens of beliefs, memories and interpretations. Over time, our life develops a defining theme – poor me, let me be, I’m cool, I’m like that only, I’m the best, I’m no good……and we get stuck in a vicious circle. These themes are like movies with sequels. We keep producing film after film with the same characters and theme and selling it to the world with a deep desire for people to buy it not once, but repeatedly. The irony is that we sell the story repeatedly to convince ourselves that we are right to live the way we are living. While living from one wave of experience after another, we forget to ask ourselves – ‘who is the author of this script and who has the power to rewrite the script?’

In the ancient Vedic culture, a child was sent to a Gurukul for the Guru to identify the inherent unique talent, nurture the same and teach the rules of exhibiting the talent in the game of life. As the Gurukul system diminished, the joint family system came into place, wherein the elders of the family took the place of the Guru. In a world of globalization, people live in nuclear families and there is limited inter-action with elders or ability to learn from another person’s experience. The society is more focused around winning rather than nurturing and evolving and obviously no one can always win.

As a coach, I work with people to restructure their life by creating new patterns of thinking. For instance, I worked with an executive who grew up in a fragmented family environment and did not have a secure upbringing. The feeling of  ‘I’m unloved’ was deeply ingrained that every relationship was viewed from this sense of distrust. This manifested as a desperate need to stay in control due to the inability to trust, delegate, work in teams and communicate openly. Life was caught in a circle of ‘how do I prove that I am worth it’.

When our foundation is weak, we grow into confused and agitated adults and live in disappointment. In the race to win, we rarely take out time to introspect and reflect to build our sportsman spirit. It takes tremendous courage and discipline to actually apply what is learnt and follow through. Old habits dominate our behavior and any new habit or way of thinking takes time.

When we are young, we need external support and validation. As an adult we have the ability to empower ourselves and seek support when required. We also have the ability to make choices, take decisions, take actions and manage the consequences. We are no longer helpless or incapable. However, out of sheer habit, we keep seeking that external validation. We can choose to be as we wish to be as long as we are willing to face the consequences of that choice.

To become the master of our life, we need to play it like a sport. Like any game, firstly there is a need to understand our own strengths and limitations and that of the other players. Also, no sportsman plays without turn. They play from their place of strength by staying alert to such opportunities and passing over others rather than getting out when they know its beyond their capacity.

“Don't walk through life just playing football. Don't walk through life just being an athlete. Athletics will fade. Character and integrity and really making an impact on someone's life, that's the ultimate vision, that's the ultimate goal - bottom line.” Ray Lewis

Nature is designed to make us Let go

Nature is designed to make us Let go

  

Hindu philosophy recommends under the Ashram system that human life be divided into four periods. The goal of each period was the ideal fulfillment of each of the four consecutive stages of life. Brahmacharya or Student Stage;

Grihastha or Householder Stage; Vanaprastha or Hermit Stage; Sannyasa or Ascetic Stage. These stages were designed to allow a man to live a full life according to the laws of nature.

It suddenly dawned on me that every law of nature and every circumstance are designed for detachment. This is the oldest philosophical lesson and never too late to learn. Clouds come and go, the sun rises and sets, earth moves, seasons change, there is birth and death at all times.

Looking back, after the birth of a child, the ability to walk independently leads to detachment from carrying the baby, student life creates gradual detachment through education and adolescence is the start of the child learning to become responsible for one’s own physical and emotional well being. Similarly, middle age is the start of Vanaprastha stage where one needs to start learning to shift focus once again. 

To flow with these changes effortlessly, letting go is the only answer. What prevents us from letting go? There is limited awareness and focus on spiritual knowledge. We learn how to achieve, earn money, about the physical body and world of objects. There is negligible space given to another subject - how best to apply all this information to our life in the most efficient and effortless manner.

Why is there limited focus? Is that again a play of nature? We go through success and failure, joy and sorrow; and only when we are pushed against the wall, do we truly seek. Till then, we live in a deep slumber and keep fighting with ourselves. We create chaos in our life and then we look for ways to understand it or unravel it. I am amused, is that a way of feeling occupied and important?

There are rules to every sport and sharing spiritual knowledge too is another sport to be played. Like any other field of achievement or education, mastery is acquired through consistent practice and by playing with the rules. Every body of knowledge is a teaching that forms the pillars of life and spiritual knowledge is the foundation on which these pillars need to be constructed. There is limited significance given to the subject of spirituality due to ignorance, beliefs and perceptions. If we were to understand and regard spirituality as the science of thoughts and acquire knowledge like any other scientific study, our attitude towards this subject would change and so would our life.

A teacher or a coach has the ability to draw out the potential from people and help them grow into independent individuals. It’s all about serving one another.  Sports coaches work with people to become better sportsmen and life coaches work with people to live their life better.

As a coach, I use the knowledge of spirituality to be a catalyst for people to feel empowered and achieve their dreams. My dream is about seeing people feel fulfilled with their life, a cricketers dream is to inspire and entertain people, a doctors dream is to heal people and bankers dream is to make people financially empowered. I too got caught in this play and thought that I had a special gift to improve the world. Without the other gifts of knowledge that I acquired through life, I would not be able to live this life. The joke is back on me. I started with wanting to become free and I ended up getting entrapped in the sense of power of knowledge that was to free me. All I need to do is live life authentically and celebrate every moment of life.